The holidays are supposed to be warm, magical, and sentimental. Unfortunately, for many people, they’re trauma Olympics with turkey and presents.
Although it could be a great time to come together and break bread with your family, it often turns into a time in which you’re rehashing old beefs and reliving everything that made you not want to attend in the first place.
The holiday season works like emotional Wi-Fi: the closer you get to December, the stronger the connection to every unresolved family conflict you thought you’d outgrown.
And for those who are estranged, there’s a different type of pressure where questions perch on your chest like boulders:
Should I reach out?
Should they reach out?
Should we pretend the past is the past and try to move forward?
Most estranged families don’t suffer from a lack of love; they suffer from a lack of conversations that were never allowed to happen. When you didn’t grow up in an environment where certain topics are handled effectively, having those conversations can be impossible.
With that in mind, here are four conversations that don’t promise a Hallmark reconciliation, but they do promise clarity, dignity, and peace. And honestly, that’s more valuable than a matching pajama photo.
1. “What Actually Happened.”
Every estranged family has two origin stories: the one they lived, and the one we actually tell.
Families rarely fracture over nothing. At least something happened, and it’s usually a series of somethings. However, instead of addressing it, everyone creates a new version of the story that protects the wrong person and silences the right one.
This is the conversation families avoid the most because it threatens the mythology.
Parents often rewrite history to stay comfortable, siblings tend to avoid choosing sides, and extended relatives rewrite it, so they don’t look complicit.
But there’s no way to heal the pain you stash away.
When it comes to broaching these topics, keep it simple. You don’t need a courtroom or a confession. You just need acknowledgment, as in Here’s what happened. Here’s how it shaped me. Here’s why things changed.
This conversation isn’t about blame; it’s about stopping the cycle of pretending. So don’t expect too much, especially if it’s a topic your family has been avoiding for years.
Remember: Clarity is not confrontation; It’s closure.
2. “What Roles We Were Forced Into.”
Every family has an unspoken casting list. You may have been cast in the role of the golden child, scapegoat, the built-in therapist, or you may have been forced to disappear into the background.
None of these roles is chosen; they are learned and imparted.
No matter how far you have grown, the holidays resurrect old roles quick. Suddenly, you’re 12 again, sitting at a dinner table where the hierarchy is invisible but strictly enforced.
Estranged families avoid this conversation because it exposes patterns everyone has benefited from or suffered under: birth order, gender expectations, colorism, favoritism and emotional parentification. They all shape how siblings relate to each other and others long into adulthood.
Now, I’m not going to lie, naming the role doesn’t fix the past, but it gives you language for the present.
You get to say:
I’m not carrying this identity anymore.
I don’t want to be the buffer, the punching bag, the fixer, or the emotional mule.
I’m someone outside of what this family assigned me.
When you understand the role you played, you finally understand why leaving was the only way to stop playing it.
3. “What Boundaries Are Non-Negotiable Now.”
This is the conversation that determines whether any future contact will be peaceful or chaotic.
Estranged families often want “access,” not accountability. They want the same daughter, but without the confrontation; the same son, but without the truth; and the same sibling, but without the evolution.
But adulthood comes with fresh boundaries and fine print.
For toxic families, boundaries feel like a threat, but a boundary is not a punishment; it’s just your own terms and conditions that enable you to keep your family in your life without compromising your mental or physical health.
Examples of healthy boundaries:
- No conversations that weaponize my past.
- No surprise visits or guilt-laced invitations.
- No commentary about my body, money, parenting, relationships, or life choices.
- No emotional ambushing disguised as “tradition.”
If someone responds to a boundary with a meltdown, that reaction tells you everything you need to know. People who love you don’t fear boundaries; they respect them. This conversation will be uncomfortable, and it’s not supposed to be. But it’s the one that shapes whether the coming holidays will feel peaceful or panicked.
4. “What Future —If Any — We’re Actually Building.”
This conversation is the big one, and dysfunctional families avoid it like the plague. This is because not every broken family comes back together, and sometimes, it’s a matter of having the courage to move on rather than remaining complacent in an unhealthy environment.
Not every estrangement has a reunion arc, not every relationship deserves resurrection, and not every story needs to return to what it was before.
Families often assume the future is a default: “We’re family, so of course we’ll reconnect eventually.”
But “we’re family” is a slogan, not a plan.
This final conversation asks:
What future is realistic? What level of contact feels healthy? How often should we speak? Do we even want a relationship, or do we just feel obligated to pretend we do?
There is no wrong answer, only honest ones.
Sometimes the future is small: a check-in twice a year.
Sometimes it’s conditional: only if the behavior changes.
Sometimes it’s nonexistent: peace requires distance.
Whatever the answer is, naming it brings emotional relief. And you don’t even have to say it out loud. Sometimes, determining the future is a matter of having an awkward conversation and a silent acknowledgement of what will and won’t be happening moving forward. And if you decide it’s time to cut ties, this can free you from holding a door open that should have been slammed shut years ago.
Estranged families don’t break because they don’t care; they break because they didn’t have the conversations that mattered when it counted.
These four conversations don’t guarantee togetherness, but they do guarantee the truth. They give you a chance to create a version of adulthood where you don’t shrink, hide, or harden yourself to survive the month of December.
Some families exchange gifts, and some exchange silence. And look, either is fine, as long as you are healthy and mostly unaffected.
But emotionally mature people exchange clarity, and when you’re seeking peace and stability in your life, clarity is the only tradition worth keeping.
This post originally appeared on Medium and is edited and republished with author's permission.