This weekend marks President Trump’s first birthday (of his second term), meaning no finances can be spared when it comes to the event’s pomp and circumstance.
In addition to the exorbitant and totally-not-a-waste-of-money military parade planned for this Saturday, June 14, in Washington, D.C., it’s only natural that We the People give to His Eminence in the form of gifts of all kinds. But what do unheard constituents of a president who abuses his authority get him?
Here are a few ideas:
5. Labor Pain and Period Cramps Simulators
How else is he supposed to put forth executive orders on women’s bodies if he can’t feel firsthand what a female body experiences every month? The ladies feel us on this one.
4. Free Couples Counseling Sessions for Him and Elon
Now that they’ve reconciled their differences, therapy sessions for these Alpha personalities could help them build a more sustainable relationship. Does the rekindling mean that the EV tax credit survives Trump’s “Big, Beautiful, Bill”? Doubt it, even though he flip-flop’s more than Havaianas.
3. A Life Alert Necklace
Americans care about the elderly, and Gen-Z thinks laughing when a 79-year-old trips or falls on stairs is abhorrent. To make sure he’s protected and not reliving this commercial, why not give him a necklace with a button he can press — a button that won’t result in WWIII?
2. A List of Men that Should Not Be Pardoned
If they urinated on underage girls or beat their girlfriend-employee to a pulp, a pardon should not be in the cards. Same for high-profile men who masturbate in front of potential hires. Trump has done some unscrupulous things himself —he is a convicted felon —so this may be returned to sender.
1. This Card
Narcissists love to be told they’re great. And this card delivers second grade puns that won’t go over Donald’s head. It even applies his most popular catchphrase to the holiday that needs a larger marketing budget (Who can we talk to about that?). And after tariffs it’s still on $7.99.