If you clicked on this story, odds are, you fall into one of two categories: those who believe that unforgiveness is devilish or those who are struggling to forgive.

No matter which side of the coin you fall on, you should know one thing: forgiveness isn’t inherently virtuous.

Now, I know, we’ve all been raised to believe that forgiving someone who wrongs you makes you the bigger person, or that forgiveness is the best way to heal.

And sure, there’s certainly some truth to this, especially if you’re the type to grab hold of grudges so hard that they turn to mush in your hands — otherwise known as a Leo. Joking… kind of.

Nevertheless, there is also something to be said for the situations where you’re not mentally prepared to forgive and/or the person has shown no remorse for what they’ve done.

These situations seem to notoriously attract the self-righteous crowd who will try to shame you into submission based on their own beliefs and experiences.

Personally speaking, those types piss me off the most because they are the type who would never forgive what they’re expecting you to. Yet and still, they will assert that they’ve never held anything against anyone, and you’re a demon if you don’t open your heart and let your abuser back in.

F*ck that!

Forgiveness is great… when you’re ready.

But oftentimes, it is premature, coerced, and frankly, psychologically unsafe. This is especially true when people expect you to forgive just to help preserve group dynamics. In these situations, it goes from “just forgive,” to “just allow them to come,” to “just swallow your feelings so we can all be comfortable again,” real quick!

So, if you’re here because you’ve been struggling with forgiveness and keep being “sorry shamed” by your circle, please consider the following:

Forgiveness has been weaponized

One of the first things you need to realize is that forgiveness has been weaponized on a mass scale. People are routinely shamed into believing we need to forgive before we can heal, but does that really make sense?

I mean, if you forgive the person who wronged you so they can heal, and force yourself to move forward to make everyone else comfortable, but you, yourself, are still struggling with what happened to you, did you really forgive them, or did you just say you did?

Hello? I mean, did the fallen tree in those treacherous woods really make a sound?!

Hell no!

Personally, I have been there — in a situation where I was not prepared to forgive in any way, shape, or form, but still tried to appease others, believing it would free me of the torment the matter was causing.

In the end, I forced myself to interact with people who did not mean well and reoffended multiple times until I finally got tired and cut them off forever.

So, if you’re not prepared, anyone who is trying to force you to forgive has zero concern for your well-being, or at least, it comes secondary to theirs and everyone else’s.

The burden should be on the offender

You ever noticed how there’s rarely any effort given to encourage those who have wronged others to rectify the situation or become better? This is the reason why most forgiveness conversations are gaslighting at best.

Because almost no one says, “Hey! You did something wrong. Fix it!” It’s always, “Well, we’re all human. We all make mistakes.” Fair enough, but if unforgiveness is also a mistake, doesn’t that just put us all back at square one? Or are we really giving more grace to the person who did wrong than to the person who isn’t ready to let it go?

Exactly.

So, once again, let’s understand that most conversations about forgiveness are biased, skewed, and hold the victim more accountable than the abuser. Which, to me, is also unforgivable.

Forgiveness is socially-centered

As mentioned, people often coerce others into forgiving simply so they can feel comfortable again. And in those cases, when we set others free, we’re only creating a trap for ourselves.

Once you supposedly forgive, people will expect you to let the situation go completely; stop speaking about it, thinking about it, or even alluding to it. But if you’re still in a place where you’re still emotionally raw over the infraction, where does that leave you? Probably stuck swallowing your own feelings in favor of keeping others comfortable.

And honestly, how does that truly help you as an individual? It doesn’t.

The fact of the matter is, you may need days, months, or even years to process whatever abuse or betrayal you’ve dealt with. During this time, your focus should remain on your own healing, not what others want or expect from you.

That is how you truly get to a place of healing, not by forcing yourself to grin and bear it to seem as though you’ve moved on, when you actually haven’t.

Time always tells the truth

Lastly, and I want you to hear this clearly: time always tells the truth.

If you haven’t truly forgiven the person, it will most likely come out in the ugliest, most inopportune ways.

For instance, say you have supposedly forgiven your best friend for sleeping with your boyfriend, and you guys go back to being besties. Then, in the future, one of her friends sleeps with her man, and she comes crying to you.

Now, as a bestie, this is not a time to rub salt in the wound, but most probably would anyway. Why? Because, if we’re honest, many of us are self-righteous and want to see others pay for what they’ve done for us before we forgive them. More importantly, it’s because you haven’t truly forgiven them and have been secretly harboring resentment the entire time.

Interestingly enough, this is often where the real healing happens: when you finally confront your true feelings and admit you’re not over it. This may prompt you to take a break from the friendship, seek counseling, go to your spiritual advisor, etc. And with time and effort, you may truly start to heal and grow to a place of forgiveness.

Don’t forgive because they expect you to, or because you want to “be free,” or because someone told you it’s the right thing to do; do it because you’re ready, period.

OR, wait until you are.

What you should never do is perform forgiveness for the sake of others. This is like agreeing to your own mistreatment indefinitely, because whenever you try to tend to your wounds, others will simply say, “Didn’t you forgive them, though?”

Yeah, no.

If holding a grudge is like drinking poison, hoping the other person gets sick, then forgiving when you’re not ready is like trying to heal a gaping wound with a tiny Band-Aid, hoping it magically turns into stitches.

So, when I say “F*ck forgiveness,” it’s not for everyone. I’m talking specifically to those who are being tormented with the notion that forgiveness must come before their own healing.

Nah.

Sometimes, forgiveness takes years and involves you staying away from the person indefinitely. Sometimes it requires you to work on yourself and make space for yourself to be human, and to tend to your wounds until you’re in a place where it feels natural to do so.

This is especially true when the person hasn’t even expressed remorse and doesn’t seem genuinely sorry.

Look, sometimes, forgiveness takes a lot of time, and that’s OK!

So, if this message resonates with you and you’ve been feeling guilty about not being ready to forgive someone, in this moment, the first and only person you need to forgive is yourself.