hate to be the bearer of bad news, but no matter how in love you are, there’s an expiration date on your relationship. Being with someone forever is a myth, a unicorn, the kind of thing you always hear about but will never see because one of two things is almost certain: You and your partner will break up or be together until one of you croaks. Either way, this ride’s going to end. Sorry.
Breakups are always tough, even when they’re for the best. Sometimes, you’ve fallen out of love with your significant other, but still care for them and don’t want to hurt their feelings. Other times, you’re still very much in love but have managed to love yourself more and walk away from an unhealthy situation. Then, of course, there are those times when someone has done such irreparable damage that all you see is red when you look at them and there’s no love lost when you walk out the door. Still, one or both of you will feel the weight of such a significant shift when it’s all said and done.
If you’re a good guy and lucky enough to have found your person, congratulations, you’re winning. But if you’ve looked over at your partner while reading this and realized you don’t see your relationship going the long haul, perhaps you should start thinking about separating. There’s no easy way to do it, but listed below are some tips on how to walk away from a relationship like a man — not a douchebag-coward hybrid who can’t handle big feelings and grown-up words.
- Listening to your partner is the most valuable tool at your disposal during a breakup. You two are experiencing the same relationship in different ways. So, when they’re talking, listen. Give your partner the floor, but take notes. There will be clues that can help you understand their pain and what you may have done to exacerbate it.
- Talking instead of shouting at your partner is the best way to avoid turning a breakup into a blowup. Now, obviously, you can’t control her rage or decibels, but just because she’s losing her shit doesn’t mean you should. Remain calm. Literally, bite your tongue if you have to, but don’t escalate things by yelling. For some women, it becomes more difficult to keep yelling if the target isn’t not participating in the turn-up. For others, your composure may enrage them more. If that’s the case, announce that you’re walking away, hanging up, or leaving the situation until it de-escalates. Let her know you want to hear what she has to say, but you don’t want to be verbally assaulted in the process. You have a right to feel safe. Never forget that.
A huge part of growing and changing is self-awareness — taking a look at yourself and how you’ve contributed to a situation. If you don’t take your fair share of responsibility, you’ll continue to blame everything on your partner.
- Keep your problems off social media and away from your outer circle. We all need someone to talk to, especially during tough times; bottling up your feelings will only lead to an eventual explosion. But do not share your relationship problems with the world. Doing so will only embarrass both you and your significant other. Instead, seek counsel from the people you trust most — especially those who don’t have a dog in the fight. Hopefully, you and your partner have been in therapy long before the end of your relationship. If not, a breakup is as good a time to start as any. Whether your breakup is amicable or contentious, you two should consider working through it with the help of a therapist. It’ll help the both of you walk away with love and understanding and minimize the trauma that could affect future relationships. If your soon-to-be-ex significant other isn’t up for this kind of healing, go it alone. Your future partners will thank you.
- Take responsibility for your part in the deterioration of the relationship. And make amends. As the saying goes, it takes two to tango. A huge part of growing and changing is self-awareness — taking a look at yourself and how you’ve contributed to a situation. If you don’t take your fair share of responsibility, you’ll continue to blame everything on your partner. This gives her the sole power to either fuck up or fix things, including the breakup and how you feel about and react to it. When you take responsibility for what you’ve done, you take back your power and your ability to change the circumstances for yourself. Hopefully, your partner can do the same. Remember, you’re not taking responsibility to make her feel better, you’re doing it to help yourself take ownership of your own behaviors and necessary fixes.
- Stay away long enough to allow her to be happy again — even if that means forever. You should do this if your relationship and subsequent breakup have damaged you or your former partner. Each of you needs time to heal, and picking at emotional wounds or dredging up good or bad memories can impede that healing. Please, leave her alone while she’s healing and even when she finally finds happiness again. Don’t be the guy who calls in the middle of the night to remind her of the good times. Don’t be the guy who comes over with champagne and chocolate-covered strawberries for a night of ex sex. Don’t argue with her over shit that happened years ago when you two were still together. Don’t ask her who she’s dating or about what’s going on in her life right now. Just let her live, let her heal, and give yourself the time and space to do the same, regardless of how painful it may be. This isn’t to say that you two can’t or shouldn’t be friends sometime down the line, especially if you have children together. I’m all for allowing relationships to heal, grow, and morph into new versions. But fucking with someone’s emotions after a breakup is nothing short of torture.
Remember, what goes around comes around. You’re not a kid anymore. Be a man. Set an example for the young men in your life. Impress yourself with the way you’ve grown and changed over the years. Forgive your partner for their wrongdoings. Face your mistakes and the pain you’ve caused. Don’t be a coward. Take the karmic hits when what you’ve done comes back to haunt you in the words and tear-filled eyes of the women you’ve hurt. It’s okay to leave, but it’s never okay to traumatize someone on your way out.
This post originally appeared on Medium and is edited and republished with author's permission. Read more of Elisabeth Ovesen's work on Medium.