Men, especially American men, need to learn the art of losing. It’s counter-intuitive, right? It might even be considered culturally subversive to suggest such a thing these days. I can see some of the comments now:
‘The last thing in the world that all of these beta-males, simps, and cucks need is a lesson in losing! They’re not teaching their rock-ribbed masculine men in Russia how to lose, are they? Just look how much ass they’re kickin’ in the Ukraine!’
Or not. For all of the masculine posturing and preening of Vladimir Putin, the greatest challenge his Russian armed forces are facing is widespread desertion and voluntary surrender. Underneath all that old-world-macho-man-refuse-to-lose crap, a significant number of the soldiers don’t want to fight and are fully accepting the possibility that they can lose the war they have been forced to participate in; they just want to live. Still, others of their group love every second of the sadistic torment the war empowers them to inflict on the helpless and disarmed they encounter. Those are the ones committed to keeping the depravity unleashed by combat alive and kicking. And all these guys are wearing the same uniform and marching under the same flag. That contrast is a pretty clean and clear view into the minds of men in this millennium.
I understand that the ethos and energy of this piece is dripping with testosterone and traditional maleness, but it needs to be. My peer group, men in their prime and middle-aged years, are far and away most accountable for the mess America is in. Men who don’t know how to (wait for it) take it like a man when they lose, are the central culprits in screwing up this country and culture right now. I understand there are some women out here beating the dumb drum of trying to lie away a loss, but for the most part, this is a very male-oriented reflex at work.
But well beyond the splashy drama of shameless, self-serving, autocratic men like Putin (and his favorite American penthouse pet) a quick study of your own family, neighborhood, or workplace will reveal the same truth: Defining manhood by winning leads to a lot of avoidable pain and suffering…. and loss. Because the simple reality is that losing is a part of life; just like change. And the more we train our brains to fight it and deny it, rejecting the truth revealed by our losses robs us of the opportunity to learn valuable lessons from them.
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Not long ago, we were living in a “winner-take-all all world” which was plenty poisonous in its own right. But now, the winner does not just take all, it seems like the loser has to damn near die. So losing in any context has become the end of the world for men in a way that makes us lash out and thrash around when we lose that endangers everyone around us. (See every mass shooting ever.) So before we add suicide bombing to the toxic brew we’re sipping on, let’s explore a broad perspective shift that could plant the seed of change. Let’s pull some great examples of men who demonstrated peak manhood and a mastery of the art of losing in a way that served others, yet elevated and liberated themselves. To pull in the greatest cross-section of men to this discussion, we’ll draw insights and intel from 3 sources: pop culture, sports, and politics.
SPORTS: MUHAMMAD ALI
My guess is any sports-nuts or sports-survivors reading this may have immediately recognized the backwards logic at work in pressing the value of losing. And if you also happen to be a 70s baby like me, you remember how large Muhammad Ali loomed over the country and the culture back then. For most of the world today, he’s a merch-selling machine along the lines of Elvis, Marilyn Monroe and The Beetles. But Ali was so much more than that.
By the time little 70s toddlers became aware of the world around us, Ali was a god; beloved by all, internationally known, and locally accepted. As riveting and scintillating as his epic victories were, those were not the triggering events for the lifelong love of people all around the world. It was his dignified and courageous posture in the face of defeat that made him a champion amongst champions.
He may have eventually “won” his legal battle against the wicked and racist power structure that took away his title for three years in the prime of his fighting life, casting his family into financial dependency, but he could never get that time back. And when he did come back, he faced off against a younger, grittier, and in some ways even hungrier young champion named Joe Frazier.
Ali had never been beaten before. But after giving him hell for 15 rounds Frazier threw a left hook with the force that could have flattened a Clydesdale. That punch landed flush on Ali’s right jaw. It was the coup de grace. Ali hit the canvas so hard, flat on his back, that the whole ring shook from his 215 pounds. He had no business getting up; but before the referee could even start counting, he was on his feet. He stood calmly by the corner where he fell, breathing heavily, with his gloved left hand clutching the top rope as he took the referee’s standing eight counts. Then he soldiered on and took the remainder of a royal ass-kicking for the rest of the round to end the fight.
Frazier had beaten the beloved Muhammad Ali convincingly and all those who loved him, especially Black men, were devastated. Talk to just about any old Black man now who watched that fight on closed-circuit TV or even listened to it on the radio and see if he doesn’t start to tear up. But Ali made no excuses. He said he deserved to get his ass kicked. He said that Frazier deserved to win. He said he’d train harder and be back. And every word of it was true. He accepted his loss ‘like a man’ and moved forward. And the rest, as they say, is history.
The everyday takeaway is that losses are inevitable in life and we are not defined by those losses. We are defined by our response to the losses. But we are living in a period where we are rewarding men for squealing like stuck pigs that they were cheated whenever they take a loss in any venue. It’s crazy.
Unlike many of my fellow 70s babies, I’m not into violence toward children at all; I’ve never even spanked my kids. But even if that’s not my thing, I do respect and appreciate my father for tightening my young ass up when I was a kid and I didn’t want to shake hands after losing a playoff baseball game, or even looking like I might cry after missing a game-winning shot in a high school basketball game. If it wasn’t for my old man forcing me to get my emotions under control in the face of bitter disappointment, maybe one day some lown could have psyched me up to storm the Capitol. Or not. But you get the point.
POP CULTURE: DON DRAPER AND LESTER BURNHAM
While it is highly inspirational and instructional, it is a near certainty that nobody reading this piece will ever have to deal with losing their world heavyweight championship as Muhammad Ali did. But it is equally certain that every guy reading this will have a failed relationship that he has to deal with sooner or later. So this is a particularly sweet spot for sharing insight on how to lose.
Because when it comes to managing the politics of relationships there is a shitload of horrible advice out there. So much of the trash proliferating on YouTube and TikTok and all that ‘man-o-sphere’ crap is oriented toward teaching men how to win in every engagement; especially as it relates to women. And while I assign responsibility to my own peer group for a lot of that mess because of our widespread dereliction of duty when it comes to socializing our sons, the obsequiousness of young men can be very disturbing.
So to all of my young brothers out here, (and no, your genome does not have to match mine to be my brother) I am going to direct your attention to two pop culture icons to show you how to lose like a man in your personal life. Despite the definitive language employed, consider this insight, and not advice. Meet my friends Lester Burnham from the Oscar-winning film American Beauty, and Don Draper, from the Emmy award-winning television series Mad Men.
SHE CHEATED ON YOU; NOW WHAT?
About midway through American Beauty, Lester caught his wife messing around on him. He caught her in an especially embarrassing and humiliating fashion. No, he did not walk in on her being pounded senseless from the backside in his own bed, which really would have sucked and could easily have ended in bloodshed.
This was a public exposure that was so bizarre it bordered on the surreal: Lester was working the drive-thru window at a fast-food restaurant (long story) when he recognized his wife’s voice over the loudspeaker, and the voice of a man, gleefully ordering a pair of super-sized smiley burger meals.
So Lester walked away from the grill where he had been flipping burgers and asked the young woman at the window to step aside so he could deliver the food he had just cooked to his wife and the local real estate celebrity she had been fucking in between selling houses.
His wife, Carolyn, was of course flabbergasted to see Lester, of all people, handing her the scrumptious cheat meal she so looked forward to enjoying after the scrumptious cheat sex she had just finished enjoying. While Lester held the bag down from the window, Carolyn began to stutter and stammer her way through an explanation. But Lester stopped her. Rather than start tripping or making a scene, Lester cracked wise and asked if Carolyn and her boo would like extra smiley sauce with their meals. Of course, the scene closes with Lester dismissing Carolyn from his life, but not before telling her that he really and truly wants her to be happy. And in context, it rang perfectly true.
So where is the lesson in that? While I could never recommend that scenario to any young man, I can say to them with great confidence what explains Lester’s response:
If your woman messes around on you, it’s almost certainly your fault. You lost her respect somewhere along the way. And at that point, cut your losses and move on. Respect, once lost, cannot be regained.
Lester knew that. And even though Carolyn really was an annoying and arrogant woman, her conduct was rooted in her disrespect for Lester more than anything else. We find out later in the movie that she really loved Lester, but she clearly did not respect him anymore. I’ll go with the very unscientific and purely anecdotal estimate of 5% of women out there who will just fuck around for absolutely no discernable reason at all. That 5% may just be footloose hoes. I’ll grant you that. But to let the ‘man-o-sphere’ tell it, a majority of women are suspect by nature and are not to be trusted. Guys, that’s bull. It’s encouraging you to blame your woman- or women in general- so you don’t ever get around to the hard work of looking at yourself.
Now does that mean that she is not responsible and accountable for her actions? Of course not. She is fully responsible and will pay the price for her infidelity by being cast into your past and having absolutely no part in your future. But the very first time we meet Lester, the camera is panning slowly through his bathroom to reveal him beating his meat in the shower. He is paunchy, lazy, and barely conscious on his 42nd birthday. And that moment, he tells us in voice-over narration, will be the highlight of his day. It was a pretty pathetic sight to see, and considering the fact that Carolyn (played by Annett Benning) was hotter than average, it is fair to assume Lester was not like that when she saddled up to ride off into life with him almost twenty years earlier.
So Lester understood that whatever reason she may offer up for why she messed around is not going to matter. Her regrets and apologies will mean as much as yesterday’s weather forecast. All of that is her cross to bear. From Lester’s standpoint, and for every man in that situation, what does matter is that you either misjudged the woman’s character upfront when you pursued her for a serious relationship, or you mishandled her in some serious manner after you got her. Both of those are your sole responsibility and not hers.
It is invaluable for young men (or even old men) to just accept that kind of loss because it lets them move on. He has a life to live on the other side of that hurt and he can learn from his mistakes to move forward. Leave that chick alone to the fullest extent possible because she will be the wrong kind of reminder of one of your greatest failures. Whatever her problem is, or whatever she thinks it is, or whatever excuse she can give, is of absolutely no consequence because he cannot do anything about that. But he can do everything about who and what he is going forward. Like Lester’s revelation at the drive-thru: Carolyn is gone; Time to move on.
SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE IN YOU ANYMORE; NOW WHAT?
Don Draper, probably the most notorious chick-magnet in the history of episodic television, had two failed marriages over the course of Mad Men’s seven seasons. Many years removed from each other, and despite the world of difference between the women he was married to, both had dramatic crash-and-burn type endings. The one constant was Don himself.
When Don and his first wife Betty finally hit the skids, Don attacks and menaces her after he discovered the off-ramp she is building — with another man; one who wants to be with her and her children. Don is pissed to the highest of passivity and makes his intentions plain: Betty can leave, but he’s not giving her a dime and she is going to lose the kids. And since this is the early 1960s, that is not an idle threat.
A few days later, Don calms down and calls Betty to surrender: He signs the divorce papers and lets her go in peace.
Flash forward five years and now Don and his second wife Megan are on the rocks. Don is older, but still neglectful and selfish. Megan, young, beautiful, and idealistic, feels the angst of his inattention. Like many bi-coastal couples, soon they were living separate lives to the point that Megan gave up and wanted a divorce. Once again, Don is stung. So he drags out the proceedings for months, making Megan’s life harder than it needs to be when she really just wants to move on.
Then one day the estranged pair was waiting for their meeting at a lawyer’s office to begin, and Don was casually receiving Meghan’s invective. Then he takes a deep breath, pulls out his checkbook, and writes Meghan a check for $1M; quite a sum in the 1960s. But Meghan gets even angrier and doesn’t believe he is being sincere. She continues to insult him. Don just stands up, apologizes for hurting her, says goodbye, and walks out. And it’s over; he’s free.
The lesson in losing is undeniable: There will be the pain of rejection. There will be the sting of injured pride. There will be the reflex to lash out. All of that is part of the rent you pay to be in romantic relationships. Let all of that pass through so you can land in a place where you can just pay the cost of the situation and move on. There is neither victory nor glory in dragging out a dispute with a woman you once loved, or who once loved you.
Accept that, fair or unfair, you may be the bad guy in her story for the next decade, or however long she decides to keep it alive and define her. When she wants out, just get out of the way and let her get the hell on. Then follow her lead, and do likewise.
POLITICS: JIMMY CARTER
We are going to close with my main man President Jimmy Carter. One of my earliest childhood memories is watching my father whoop it up while sipping his six-pack of Miller High Life late into the night on November 2, 1976. Dad was watching the election returns come in as Jimmy Carter was beating Gerald Ford in the first presidential election after Watergate. Carter was the man to bring American pride and dignity back after a dark and embarrassing chapter written by Tricky Dick Nixon.
That night represents the beginning of the painfully brief period when the consensus view of Jimmy Carter was that he was a winner. It is a tragic and unjust fact of American culture that this man has been called a loser for so long that most people, regardless of their political leanings, just accept it as true.
And while a handful of writers and scholars like yours truly, always take the time to defend and support Jimmy when he is assailed, he has chosen to ignore the liars and naysayers. He has been too busy going about the work of building a post-presidential legacy that absolutely dwarfs the others whose timelines are comparable to his. This man actually both led and backed the effort to eradicate Guinea worm disease from the Earth. This is a disease that killed almost 4 million people around the world the year Carter left office, and now it is gone. Because of Jimmy.
There are 6,000 people in the metro Atlanta area who have homes now because Habitat For Humanity built them. That is because Jimmy Carter built Habitat For Humanity first. And those are just highlights. Look up The Carter Center online and it will blow your mind what this man has done.
But a gang of TV jerks call him a loser and praise the movie-set cowboy actress who defeated him in the 1980 election. And don’t fall for the okey-doke or believe the hype. Jimmy Carter didn’t lose because of the weakness in the economy or because of trouble in world affairs. The truth is most Americans barely give a damn about the facts that impact their lives. They just say shit to sound smart or at least reasonable when talking to pollsters or reporters. Overwhelmingly, they care about how a candidate makes them feel, and then they vote accordingly.
And here is how America felt back then: Jimmy Carter was sworn in on January 20, 1977. Three nights later, the most-watched miniseries in American television history, Roots, debuted on network television. On January 23, 1977, America got hit by a cultural tsunami that it has never recovered from. America was riveted by Roots, but terrorized by Roots. The identity crisis’ and guilt reflexes triggered all over America were real and profound.
That was no time to be a serious and sober man dealing with serious and sober issues. That was a time to be a cheesy actor and American cheerleader who told most Americans that they were ok and that neither they nor anybody who looked like them had ever done anything wrong. And it's the Bucks, Welfare Queens, and Affirmative Action hires that are to blame for anything wrong in their lives.
Done deal. Wide swaths of America co-signed on that and never looked back. It was easier to just call Jimmy Carter a loser than face the harsh unpleasant realities of the times.
So the final lesson on the art of losing, as delivered by the great Jimmy Carter: Ignore the assholes, do your thing, and let the record speak for itself.
This post originally appeared on Medium and is edited and republished with author's permission. Read more of David Saint Vincent's work on Medium.