“There’s an influx of good guys in the world!” said no woman ever.
Heartbreak after heartbreak, women tend to learn early in their dating lives that most of the men they meet won’t be worth their weight in salt, and that they are, in fact, fuckboys. You know, the ones who come into a woman’s life with selfish intentions and impose upon her, only to play with her heart, distract her from her goals, and waste her time.
Sure, there are some really great guys out there as well, men who are forthcoming, honest, and enter a woman’s life with the sole intention of improving it. (Or so I’ve heard.) In her lifetime, a woman might come across one or two of these dating- and/or marriage-eligible men. The rest will be catch-and-release. Back into the water they go.
I recently watched a couple of episodes of FBoy Island, an old Bachelorette-like dating competition on HBO Max in which three women are courted by 24 men, half of whom are looking for love and the other half self-proclaimed fuckboys who are solely after the $100,000 grand prize. The series wasn’t for me, but I found it interesting that the men — whose intentions are initially kept private — were identified as either “nice guys” or “FBoys.” As if the two are mutually exclusive.
Supposed good guys can cause just as much heartache as fuckboys — perhaps more because they’re so unsuspecting. You may never see them coming, but they’re out here, fooling women left and right. Sure, most men fancy themselves as good guys; after all, who wants to admit to being the type of person who’d let the clock run down on a woman’s reproductive years, pretending he wants a family and lifetime together with her just to slink out minutes before her womb turns into a pumpkin? Meanwhile, he was only interested in sex the whole time.
Slews of women suffer through relationships with good guys who have fuckboy tendencies. These guys are too “nice” to communicate necessary truths. They avoid hard conversations and allow resentment to build, which only causes more pain when the realness inevitably comes to light. They lead women on. These supposed good guys are agreeable; whatever she says she wants out of life and love, he wants it, too.
Whether you have a sturdy spine or none at all, saying all of the things a woman wants to hear just to win her favor isn’t nice; it’s manipulative, grade A fuckboy behavior.
He wants the same stability and honesty, the same traditional house in the suburbs with a white picket fence, two kids, and a golden retriever. He, too, thinks June weddings are the most beautiful and that Hawaii would be the perfect place for a honeymoon. His partner is astonished at how similar the two of them are and how well suited they seem to be. She’ll start making plans in her head and bookmarking wedding registries, dresses, and locations. But just before she has him fitted for that ol’ ball and chain, the supposed good guy will locate the exits, strap on his parachute, and jump ship.
Turns out, he’s not so sure about that house in the ’burbs. He might not want kids after all. He’s actually allergic to golden retrievers specifically and thinks Hawaii is overrated. Sure, he’s spoken about nuptials, but in reality, he believes marriage is a puritanical social construct that should be abolished. Yet whether you have a sturdy spine or none at all, saying all of the things a woman wants to hear just to win her favor isn’t nice; it’s manipulative, grade A fuckboy behavior.
But that’s the thing about the supposed good guy: He’s so considerate — so good — that he never wants to ruffle any feathers. So he can’t muster up the words to tell someone who he’s supposedly courting exclusively about all of the other women he’s entertaining. In a relationship, instead of watering his own grass and stepping up to challenges with his partner (or ending an unhappy situation), he’ll shoot his shot in other women’s DMs. His whereabouts will become a mystery. Omission of truth eventually turns into outright lying, but he’ll keep up his good guy facade the whole time.
Maybe these supposed good guys have had poor examples — absentee dads or fathers, friends, and family members who’ve treated the women in their lives like dirt. Perhaps well-intentioned men of this ilk don’t know how to get from where they are to where they want to be. Or maybe they’re just too immature to commit to a woman who wants more than just hot sex and hamburgers. Whatever the case, these men aren’t ready for, or worthy of, a woman who is seeking a meaningful, long-term relationship.
This you? Do you hop into relationships for a good time, not a long time, without communicating those intentions? If so, the first step to change is admitting it to yourself, recognizing the fuckboy within. And then doing better. Because pretending to be an actual good guy to mislead someone who could be just one bad relationship away from appearing on Snapped doesn’t benefit anyone involved.
Don’t become a victim, sir.
If you find yourself struggling to be a stand-up dude, how about you don’t have sex with women who are prone to wanting relationships with the people they bed? Maybe you should date someone who is polyamorous or ethically nonmonogamous. Or someone who could give a fuck about picket fences and keeps an IUD in place. Someone who is not swayed by your charm but enjoys your company and your dick. Wouldn’t it be nice to be straight-up and avoid the silly games for once?
Now, if you’ve seen yourself in any of the words above and still have no intention of changing your ways (or at least seeking therapy), well, I have a proposal for you. I don’t know if there’s some kind of weekly meeting for this type of shit, but find a support group. Huddle up with your other fuckboy friends and their punchable faces to bare your sketchy souls. Book yourself a one-way ticket to FBoy Island, far, far away from monogamy-minded women, never to return. Do an actual nice thing: Step aside, and make way for good guys — rare as they may be — to step up.
This post originally appeared on Medium and is edited and republished with author's permission. Read more of Elisabeth Ovesen's work on Medium.