Iknow it is hard to imagine that someone so adorable, that you love so much, that you care for and tend to so dutifully, could ever give their support to an undeniably corrupt, incompetent, racist, misogynist, insecure, dickless, malignant narcissist like Donald Trump. But yes, that is who your new puppy (let’s call him Max) voted for. And for those inclined to ask: No, I will never tire of announcing to the world what Donald Trump is, and how America has disgraced itself by twice electing him president.
But alas, that is what Max did. Despite demonstrating unusual intelligence for his breed by doing a kick ass job with the house-breaking, and sitting up straight, and shaking hands on demand, your pup displayed no more intelligence than your typical in-bred, scraps-fed, country mutt that couldn’t stop whizzing in the house if you offered him a lifetime supply of Longhorn steak-bones to gnaw on.
I know that this revelation is doubly hard to take because everybody who knows anything about Donald Trump knows he HATES dogs. Or at the very least, he holds them in bitter contempt. For me, a world-class canine enthusiast, that is reason enough to keep him away from any position of leadership anywhere on earth. I don’t want anything to do with a man who doesn’t like dogs. That is one of my irrational biases that I embrace, unlike my inexplicable distaste for guys named Eugene or Lester. That’s one I wish I could shake but no dice. (Shout out to all the brothers out there named Eugene and Lester. I do realize it’s not your fault that your folks hung that one on you.)
But how could Max, a damned smart dog, give his vote to Trump when the guy seldom missed a chance to publicly dump on him and everybody who looks like him? In Trump’s chaotic brain, if something goes wrong, its “like a dog!” If somebody fucks up, he did it “like a dog!” If a woman is unattractive, she’s “like a dog!” So I have to ask, is Max as dumb as Trump thinks he is? Clearly Trump figured that no matter what he said to or about Max, that Max would give him the most valuable gift that Max, in his limited capacity, had to give. His vote.
Then it hit me like a lightning bolt: Max may be ‘smart’ in some ways, but that does not make him ‘smart’ in all ways. Or any other ways at all. Maybe when it comes to politics, Max doesn’t really hear or comprehend actual language; not the way he seems to when he is receiving instruction on performing tricks or in similarly simple contexts. Perhaps Max can only hear and comprehend tone but is perfectly oblivious to text. So if you start telling Max he’s a worthless piece of shit but say it in your best “Who’s a good boy? Who’s the best boy in the whole world?” tone, he wags his tail and pants in pure joy. Accordingly, the tone of the message dictates how he feels.
It would follow then, that if Max picks up the tone of power, authority, certitude, conviction, commitment, courage and strength, he is emotionally wired to respond with affection and obedience to that tone. The actual words being spoken don’t register at all with Max or the rest of our faithful, furry friends. None of the words have to be logical, or true, just so long as the right tone is struck. Suddenly, Max’s Trump vote doesn’t seem so crazy.
So if there is a competing tone to the one described above that is more complicated, Max struggles to find connection. And besides, he can’t make sense of a goddamned word being spoken. The speaker could be telling Max in no uncertain terms that he will be allowed to sleep on any bed in the house that he wants, get belly-rubs on demand, get a lifetime pardon from bath-time, and best of all, dine on medium-rare, well-marbled, bone-in porterhouse steak every night for the rest of his life; and it will fly right over his dog ears and into the ether.
For those who know dogs, you know that means that Max is being promised heaven on earth, but if asked what was on offer, Max would give you the Scooby-Doo stare as if he had been offered nothing at all. Tragic as it is, the message that really serves Max missed him because it was characterized by nuance, finesse or, god forbid, complexity. It could not meet the tone signals that Max could understand.
And at the exact moment that you begin settling into your new level of understanding and empathy for Max and his ridiculous vote, he scurries over to the far corner of the room and grabs his favorite chew toy. He prefers the one that looked like a squirrel before he chewed the bejesus out of the tail so now it just looks like a rat. Every now and then, Max just has to have that chew toy; he bites down hard and shakes his head aggressively and growls as if he tracked down and caught an actual fleeing fox. He loves for somebody to pull on it and play tug-of-war with him so he can growl at them and fight for the kill which belongs to him.
Then the second lightening bolt strikes; yes, two in one afternoon. The chew toy lets Max pretend that he is actually accomplishing something real when he is doing nothing more than pretending. He is simulating the function of a canine in the wild that must chase down, corner, and kill a rodent intruder on its grounds. The chew toy is a terrific distraction for Max and he absolutely loves playing with it. But for all of his biting, head-shaking and growling, it is just a plastic, rubber, fiber and polyester blend toy. Max will get no benefit from his attention to that chew toy beyond the joy of playing with it.
Max’s Trump support comes ever more clearly into focus now. How many Trump voters are actually injured or disadvantaged by any illegal immigrant in the country? How many Trump voters are actually injured or disadvantaged by diversity, equity and inclusion initiatives, be they in college admissions or in the workforce? How many Trump voters are actually injured or disadvantaged by the existence or freedoms of a transgender person? How many Trump voters are actually injured or disadvantaged by the sex lives or reproductive choices of people they will never know and will never meet?
Every one of these issues is as real to a Trump voter as that chew toy is to Max. It is a joyful distraction, wasting time and energy and in the end producing absolutely nothing tangible, and accomplishing nothing by any rational measure. But Max feels really good about himself after he has had a go at that chew toy; defenseless and inanimate object that it is. And the Trump voter crows in victory over winning… nothing. The average Trump voter will net nothing for the vote they gave him. But like Max, they will feel good.
At least Max is a puppy and is in no position to know better. What is their fucking excuse? It will not be hard to love and forgive Max for his vote, him being a puppy and all. But the two-legged Trump voter is another story. They can go fuck themselves until they rupture something. They can get their love and forgiveness elsewhere.
This post originally appeared on Medium and is edited and republished with author's permission. Read more of David Saint Vincent's work on Medium.