I’m a political atheist, and I’ve been disappointed by elected officials since before I was even born.
Like, I was probably side-eyeing Reagan’s economic policies through the placenta juice.
And speaking of Reagan: I still very much hate him posthumously.
Bush Jr.? A full-blown goofball villain, like if Yosemite Sam ran an oil company and somehow ended up with the nuclear codes.
Obama? Cool dad vibes, but that drone strike list was longer than a CVS receipt. Biden? Sir, wake up.
Trump? A Twitter egg who fumbled into the presidency and turned it into a Twitch stream.
None of them is my savior.
I don’t stan politicians, and I don’t think any of them are coming to save us. We are on our own.
The two-party system is basically a Hot Pocket: It looks promising, but the inside is either frozen or molten disaster, and either way, you’re gonna get burned.
At the same time, no, I don’t wish death on anyone — as false rumors of Trump passing went viral a couple weeks ago. Not even my political nemeses. Not because I’m above it, but because I genuinely think death is too final. It’s an escape room with no walls. A soft logoff. It doesn’t allow for evolution or humiliation. And I prefer one or the other…maybe both.
If you’re going to wish something on someone, make it meaningful, memorable, and just uncomfortable enough to make them a better person or a better punchline.
Is Trump sick? Unlikely. But did you ever stop to think that maybe your collective prayers will actually serve to put him out of his misery literally? Is that really what you want?! Didn’t think so. Here are five more affective things (ranked!) to wish for the 45 and 47th President.
5. A Psychedelic Trip in a McDonald’s PlayPlace
Trump loves McDonald’s, but an accidental mushroom trip may just change his life. I’m thinking sticky floors that grab, obese children bouncing around like tennis balls, and the Hamburglar delivering a monologue about late-stage capitalism.
So, he’s literally stuck contemplating life decisions while trying to get the high fructose corn syrup off his loafers. All the food tastes like grass, and no one comes to rescue him, he’s just left trippin’ for days on end; It’s giving stoner flick, to be honest.
Now, you may think this is too light a punishment, but studies have shown that a bad mushroom trip can change lives, OK?!
4. A Netflix Documentary Directed by Ava DuVernay…About Himself
Trump is 100% chauvinist and possibly a 100% a raging racist as well. But I’m pretty sure letting a woman like Ava handle his documentary would send him spiraling into eternity.
So, how about not only making the documentary, but mandating that he has to watch it all…captions on and Twitter deactivated so he can’t even rant about it in real time. No flattering edits. Just uncut ego and historical context in 4K.
Strumming his pain with their fingers; singing his strife with their words.
Oprah narrates, and it ends with Michelle Obama walking by, sipping tea.
Classic.
3. To Inherit Generational Poverty Instead of Generational Power
One of the reasons men like Trump are so emboldened is that they come from money. Well, what would happen if that ever ended? Not just for him but for his entire lineage.
I’m talking no trust fund, no brand deals, and no hush money. Just eviction notices, resume black holes, and a landlord named Marcia who never fixes the heat. Let him work the night shift and apply for benefits that get denied for making $13 too much. Let him finally understand what “pull yourself up” actually means.
And not just him, but his entire lineage left with real memories of the wealth they once had, while having zero access to it. For all parties concerned, this might be the sweetest revenge ever.
The only thing worse than living in poverty your whole life is living an affluent life and ending it in broke.
2. A Lifelong Strict Vegan Diet
Again, Trump loves his junk, so what if whatever his current condition is forced him to live a healthy lifestyle? Prescribed by a doctor who wears crystal bracelets and calls him “sugar.”
And I mean strict vegan. No steaks. No vegan ketchup. Just lentils, spirulina, and oat milk that always separates.
1. To Serve Under a Black Woman President…Twice
Trump would rather jump off a bridge than serve under a Black woman president. But let’s just say he’s burned all his bridges and is all out of options.
Madam President is fierce. She’s Harvard-educated and HBCU-rooted.
She has perfect edges and clapbacks, and signs executive orders while listening to Ari Lennox.
He’s forced to introduce her on camera, with respect in his voice and sweat in his pores. And every time he refers to her as “Madam President,” a little part of his ego exfoliates.
This post originally appeared on Medium and is edited and republished with author's permission.
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