Fixing the Orgasm Gap Between Men and Women
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Fixing the Orgasm Gap Between Men and Women

Not all sexual experiences are created equal

National Orgasm Day is July 31.

Now is as great of a time as any to discuss the orgasm gap.

For those who are yet unfamiliar, the orgasm gap is a term used to describe the fact that,

According to a 2016 study from the Archives of Sexual Behavior that looked at over 52,500 adults in the U.S. — including those who are lesbian, gay, and bisexual — 95 percent of heterosexual men reported they usually or always orgasmed during sex, compared to 65 percent of heterosexual women, who were the least likely. ~ NBC News

If you are someone who has a full sex life, complete with healthy communication and, hopefully, lots of orgasms, you likely can’t fathom the possibility that not everyone is having such a great time.

And although experts assert that the true reason behind the orgasm gap is the lack of awareness of the anatomy of the clitoris, I’d like to offer a different explanation as to why this issue persists: Slut Shaming.

How Slut Shaming Sustains the Orgasm Gap

Although we’re supposedly in the age of sexual liberation, the truth is quite the contrary.

Sure, women and girls are “allowed” to be more sexually expressive than ever before, but it’s not without its costs.

Namely, women who are considered to be overly slutty or sexually liberated have a tougher time dealing with “traditional” heterosexual men.

Research suggests heterosexual men who are more socially dominant are also more likely to sexually objectify women. When these men are placed in positions of submission to women at work and their dominance is challenged, the levels of sexual objectification of women go up. This supports the assertion that some men increase their dominance by sexually objectifying women, and this objectification can become physical. ~The Conversation

In other words, various types of men in society deal with their feelings of inferiority by dominating women sexually. And if a woman seems to want sex just as much or even more than a man, this can ruin the illusion of domination.

Therefore, sexual liberation is viewed as a negative to weak men who use sex as a method of building their own confidence. In fact, men with inferiority complexes see these women as a threat to their manhood.

This makes them more likely to seek out women who are less experienced or who otherwise seem disinterested in sex so that they can act out their motivations to dominate women sexually.

How does this play into slut shaming? Well, men who prefer virginal, blushing women who are scared to be overtly sexual are the ones most likely to shame women who embrace their sexuality.

Related: Yes, Your Partner Has a Problem With Your Stamina in Bed

This sends the signal to women who are interested in dealing with those men that they must be virginal if they want to get or keep him interested.

Virginal women are highly unlikely to communicate their preferences in the bedroom and will simply tell the man how good of a job they’ve done, no matter how terrible the sex truly was.

To me, this is the crux of the orgasm gap. Sure, men could stand to take a few anatomy courses, but this wouldn’t matter if more women would speak up in real-time rather than simply wishing on a star that someday he’ll luck up and hit the jackpot.

Open Your Mouth

I’ve spoken about this in the past, but women who are not satisfied in the bedroom have a duty to become more active participants in their own sex lives.

Related: Do You Enjoy Sex or Are You Just Pretending?

You can take control and do what feels good to you, or you can whisper the things you want him to do in his ear.

Yes, it can be nerve-wracking. Especially if you’re used to playing coy with your boy, but if you truly want to enjoy a good sex life, you need to be able to assert yourself by at least telling your partner what works and what hurts.

Honestly, if you’re that terrified to speak up for yourself, you’re probably with the wrong person. Open, honest communication is a major part of every functional relationship, so if you would rather die than say, “Harder, faster!” to the person you’re sleeping with, you should probably consider removing yourself from that relationship and reevaluating what you want out of a mate in every way before choosing a new partner.

The Bottom Line

Per the statistics, heterosexual men are enjoying sex far more than heterosexual women. Subjecting yourself to a lame sex life isn’t helping anyone, and least of all you.

If you’re not having orgasms and can’t bring yourself to discuss this with your partner, you either need to find a new partner or rethink whether you are mentally mature enough to have sex at all.

Ultimately, any man who slut shames you for being too forward in the bedroom is a man who doesn’t deserve that type of access to your body at all.

This post originally appeared on Medium and is edited and republished with author's permission. Read more of Ivy Locke's work on Medium.