How to Step Your Sex Game Up With Dirty Talk

Illustration: Janet Sung

If you’ve been with your partner for a while, there may be a need to switch things up a bit. Do you both know the locations of every mole and childhood scar? Do you know how to bring her to orgasm in three easy steps? Do you incorporate those three steps every… single… time? (I have a friend who calls that “using the cheat codes.”)

If you know things are getting dry, there are options. If there weren’t, I wouldn’t write about it every week! You could always try a different position. You could introduce toys. You could watch porn together, even fantasize about adding a third to the party. (I say fantasize because, really, just don’t do that. It’s one of those things that seems like a good idea but never is. Starting out in an open relationship? Fine. Throupling up for spice? Someone’s gonna be left in the cold.) But there are subtle ways, too — and I’ve got one that’s easy, free, and fun. All you need is your mouth and a little bit of creativity.

Dirty talk. That’s it. That’s the tip.

Get in that ear and make her blush! When we finally get to dine out again, pull her in close on the way home and tell her your plans. Talking dirty is one of the safest ways to keep her on her toes and let her know you’re not predictable.

Maybe talking dirty isn’t your thing. Totally fine. It happens. My dude is the same way. In a crowded room, he’ll find someone he connects with and have a spirited discussion. But in general, he’s not particularly boisterous. Part of the reason our relationship works is because I’m okay with being the center of attention and being Jersey-girl loud if need be. And he’s content with scanning the room and staying South Bronx cool.

No one needs a motormouth when we’re just getting warmed up, but sometimes the right word can send us over the toe-curling edge.

This is true when it’s one-on-one time, too. If we’re intimate, I can definitely tell he’s enjoying himself. But it’s not going to come with any who’s-your-daddy theatrics. He’s as chill inside the bedroom as he is out in the world.

Would I want it any other way? Maybe sometimes, sure — but this kind of thing has to be at least somewhat organic. No one wants their partner panting out “Talk dirty to me!” if it’s just not the way they get down.

So instead, I did y’all a favor and hit up a few women for a straw poll on how much dirty talk we want. And what kind. And when. And how.

Here’s the scoop.

1. We like something a little different than what you’re like in real life. That’s the fantasy. If you’re super quiet in real life, try out a little more bass and direction. If you feel weird about it, no worries — but if you want to let go and have some fun, start with detailing what you’re seeing that you like. Or what you’d like to see next.
2. If you’re trying this out for this first time, start the talk incrementally and long before the sex starts. Surprise your partner on the phone and try out some dirty talk. Even a note or an email is a decent start. It might take a bit of pressure off in the moment. Also? Notes and phone calls can be all the sexy talk necessary. It doesn’t have to happen while we’re doing it.
3. Porn. Yup, porn. This is one time where you have our full permission to watch and learn. It’s often a decent place where you can pick up some dirty talk. Not just vocabulary: Watch for pacing, too. No one needs a motormouth when we’re just getting warmed up, but sometimes the right word can send us over the toe-curling edge.
4. It’s more than just wordplay. We like to think we’re turning you on so much that you can’t help but vocalize it. But you don’t always have to give us spoken-word instruction. A well-placed moan can take us everywhere.
5. Make sure you establish boundaries around dirty talk. You’re letting some of your inhibitions go, and where your fantasies take you miiiiight not match up with where the other person’s expecting to go. There are plenty of women who might slip into some hey-daddy talk — and just as many men who could be very creeped out by that. You’ll need to have a sober, non-sexy-time conversation about what dirty talk can be and how far it can go.

As time goes on, you’ll get more and more comfortable, and you might enjoy it more as well. Who knows, maybe that talk will lead to a light spanking — but you’ll have to come back next week for that one.