14. Maple bacon
Nope. Gross. Next.
Not our jam.
It’s not cake doughnuts we have a problem with — some of our best friends are cake doughnuts — it’s that a naked doughnut is like a will.i.am guest verse. Did anyone ask for it? Did it make anything better? Does anyone even make these things anymore?
We mean, sure. Have sprinkles on your doughnut. But you may want to look inside yourself to see why you do.
It’s a weird shape. It’s frosted. There’s cream. It’s good, it’s just… a lot to deal with. Like, it verges on Too Much Doughnut.
With the right frosting and in the sure hands of a competent doughnutier, a frosted doughnut is a transcendent experience. But 60% of the time, it does not work every time. [Note: Doughnutier is not a real word.]
“Not a doughnut!” you exclaim. Fine, point made. But shout out to the Jewish homies: It’s like a doughnut and a challah had a baby, and we’re willing to raise that lil’ guy like our own.
7. Boston cream
Boston is trash. Its namesake doughnuts, however, are very much not! (Also, if we’re ever in Boston together and you want to go to Dunkin Donuts — which, fine, sure, it’s an institution — just don’t call it “Dunkies.”)
Yes, it’s a classic. Yes, the lick-your-finger-to-get-the-glazed-bits-off-the-paper routine happens to be the best post-doughnut ritual in all of doughnutdom. But we’re just gonna say it: This is a boring-ass doughnut.
If you know, you know.
4. Apple cider
At the right time (mid- to late fall) and in the right place (at a rural orchard, with just a subtle whiff of racism on the breeze), it’s a top-five doughnut. Get outside those parameters, though, and we can no longer guarantee this placement.
3. Cinnamon sugar
DO NOT QUESTION THE LISTMAKER.
By every empirical measure — not-too-sweetness, mouthfeel, looking like Tony Montana after a bender — the powdered doughnut stands supreme. Just be careful on that first bite; you don’t want to be the person clearing out the doughnut shop by coughing out a lungful of powder.
1. J. Dilla
We didn’t make the rules, folks, we’re just reporters. And this entire thing is utter perfection.