It’s hard to focus on the joy of hanging ornaments when your narcissistic co-parent is dangling ultimatums over your head.
Nevertheless, for those dealing with narcissistic co-parents, this type of scenario becomes an annual reality. As sure as your kids expect the most expensive gaming system to be wrapped in a pretty little bow under the tree each year, your narcissistic ex will do everything possible to ensure holiday misery instead of cheer.
But why?
If you’re a rational parent who simply wants the best for your kids, understanding the moods and motives of a narcissist can prove to be impossible. Fortunately, as someone who has dealt with numerous narcissistic partners, family members, etc., I not only know what to expect but I’ve learned how to counteract it.
This year, instead of falling into the bad energy void, use this information to maintain peace and joy no matter what your narc ex throws at you.
Co-Parenting or Supporting Cast Member?
The main thing anyone dealing with a narcissist should know is that everything is about them. If they give your kids the best gifts ever, they will brag about ad nauseam. If they don’t get them a gift at all, it’s because they have been wronged in such a way that they had no choice but to retaliate, or it’s because those kids are so needy that they can barely afford to take care of themselves.
No matter what they do or don’t do, it won’t just be because they wanted the kids to have a great holiday; it’s because they’re somehow the star or the victim, or whatever allows them to center themselves for months to come.
This is why the holiday season is difficult for the narcissist in general: holidays like Christmas call on us to be selfless and put others before ourselves.
So, you may want to get used to them weaponizing quality time in order to re-center themselves. This means they may do things such as cancel or reschedule family gatherings at the last minute, purchase overly expensive gifts they can barely afford, not purchase any gifts at all, and above all, try to guilt-trip you, their exhausted co-parent, into going along with whatever they come up with or accuse you of not putting your kids first.
They may agree to a certain holiday schedule, then abandon it at the last minute. Not only that, they may do so in a way that directly impacts what you have planned for your children. For instance, let’s say you guys agree that the children will wake up, have Christmas at your house, and spend the night at theirs. A narcissistic co-parent might do something like call you at the last minute, saying, “Hey, I scheduled a breakfast with Santa for all the kids in my family! I’ll be there to pick them up in an hour, so they can spend the night!"
Now, if you tell this story to outsiders, they may think it’s a good parent with bad communication. Still, when you’ve dealt with things like this year after year, you learn to recognize this behavior as a pattern rather than miscommunication.
Either way, this puts you in the position of either saying no and ruin your kids’ Christmas or allowing them to go and ruin your special plans. And that’s the idea, narcissists are energy harvesters. They live to hurt others, pretend it’s normal, and quietly drink the trail of tears while looking like the good guy.
In the end, the goal is to undermine your efforts as a parent, make you feel inferior, and gain favor in the eyes of everyone else at the very same time.
The Narcissistic Control Loop
Narcissists operate within a cycle of control akin to the problem, reaction, solution model. They are masters who trigger others emotionally, in order to start a fight and siphon your energy. This leads to the immediate emotional reward of them feeling either wronged or needed.
Then they go around telling their version of events to make you look like the bad guy and garner support for the dysfunction and misdeeds. From there, they will weaponize whatever resources are required to fix the issue they created. In other words, this is how they maintain control.
Say you are all excited to enjoy your holiday season with your kids. You have everything planned out and don’t need your ex to do anything to help you. Then, your ex calls you and says, “I bought that video game they wanted!” knowing your whole Christmas was planned around the system.
Now, if you were dealing with a rational person, they would just offer to take it back and ask what else they can buy to complement your gift. But a narcissist will spiral into victim mode and tell everyone how they just wanted to give their kids a nice gift for Christmas. So even if you stand firm on your decision, you will likely hear about it from friends, family, etc. (aka flying monkeys) who try to help mediate the situation on their behalf.
And this is how they steal your joy. Because you are likely to spend hours of your life defending your choices, instead of simply enjoying your day as planned, the narcissist will eventually come up with some cockamamie compromise to make them look as though they saved the day. “Well, I guess I could just return it and buy some games for the system. I really wanted to give them this system, but I just want them to be happy.”
If these scenarios sound even vaguely familiar, you are probably co-parenting with a narcissist. And unfortunately, they’re often so convincing that you may have been feeling as though maybe you’re just dramatic or overreacting.
No.
When dealing with a narc co-parent, every single thing is calculated. This is not just about simple miscommunications, but years of blatant disrespect and apathy towards your parenting goals. The triggering is a part of the control, because, indeed, how will they justify being a half-assed parent if you never pull out your claws to tear them a new one?
How to Reclaim Your Holiday Joy
If you are attempting to co-parent with a narc, there is only one solution to break the cycle: switch to parallel parenting.
Per Psychology Today, here is the difference between the two:
Co-parenting means that you and your ex work together for the benefit of the children. You make decisions together, coordinate your parenting, and perhaps even have some family events together. You agree on most everything related to the children, and you do so with frequent communication, creative problem-solving, mutual respect, and flexibility. If you can do this all the time, without battles, you would be at the far end of the co-parenting continuum. Chances are that your divorce was not caused by parenting disagreements. Parenting may be the best strength that you can save from your relationship.
Parallel parenting is the complete opposite. There’s a firewall between you and your ex. You rarely communicate, and your kids live in two parallel households. Parents do this when they feel that one is too controlling or intrusive, or when they want complete independence from the other parent for emotional reasons. If a parent is triggered at the mention of the other parent, they probably will want to do parallel parenting. If this is what you need to do to minimize or end the conflict between you, it’s not necessarily a bad thing. It protects your kids from the damaging effects of your continuing conflict. There may be many reasons for the divorce, and parenting differences may be one of them.
The sad reality of dealing with a narcissistic co-parent is that they don’t co-parent at all. They do whatever they want, when they want, and often leave you paying the price for any discrepancies. So, the sooner you realize you learn to allow everything to remain separate and enjoy the freedom of being able to shape and mold your children’s lives however you see fit, the better.
Sure, it may take some time to mourn the idea of a blended family you had in your head, but it’s much healthier for the kids than to submit to their whims and allow them to frequently disrupt your lives at will.
Either way, you must learn to set your boundaries and stop reacting to their shenanigans. If you agree to split the time a certain way and they try to demand a different arrangement later, simply refer them to the agreement and end the conversation. The narcissist can only siphon your energy if you allow it. Set your boundaries and disengage.
From Ms. Claws to Ms. Clause
The holiday season can be challenging for many reasons. For narcissists, they serve as a reminder that functional families and unconditional love exist, and they’re the ones who are incapable of providing those things.
They throw their weight around to center themselves, yes, but also to ensure that everyone is just as miserable as they are. So, this year, make your plans, set your boundaries, and relish in the joy of being a parent who stopped reacting and took control of their emotions to ensure your kids have joyful memories instead of traumatic ones starring your grinch of an ex.
This post originally appeared on Medium and is edited and republished with author's permission.