Over nearly half a year of writing Dear Level, I’ve enjoyed sharing my thoughts, learning new things, testing the limits of my partner’s privacy, and taking informal polls. But this week’s topic is a little spicy, even by my standards. (And yes, I still stand behind my endorsement of butt play!)
There’s a time and place to test the limits of what feels comfortable or predictable, particularly for readers who are in trusting relationships and looking to liven things up. Go ahead and test those limits — as long as you and your partner are on the same page. Now that that’s out of the way, let’s talk BDSM!
You know the acronym and the basics, but maybe you’ve never dared to try it for yourself. Even so, your sex life might be closer to the realm of BDSM than you realize. Here’s a refresher. (Full disclosure: I’m not about this life. At least, um, not right now.)
Swapping a solid paddle for one with a hole in the middle (and thus less wind resistance) can quickly take things from “ftw!” to “wtf?!”
1. B is for bondage: Tying or otherwise restraining your partner (or vice versa) during sex. You can start with some novelty handcuffs — lined with fur for those delicate wrists. If you like it, work your way up to the spreader bar, a metal bar with detachable cuffs at the end. As made famous by the movie 50 Shades of Grey, it can be fastened onto wrists, ankles, or even knees to hold them apart. The point? To make sure you can’t close your arms/legs during foreplay or sex.
It’s not for the faint of heart. (You try it out and tell me all about it in the comments. Because… nope.) And as with everything else in BDSM, make sure you have levels of permissions predetermined and safe words memorized. (Some safe word inspiration: fruits, colors, or terms E-40 invented.)
2. Sure, the “D” has many connotations in the bedroom, but here we’re talking discipline and dominance. In this world, someone in the relationship sets rules that often extend beyond sex. For every dominant, there’s a submissive — and discipline can dictate the clothing the submissive wears, how they speak to the other person, and a myriad of other directives.
Talking this one out is necessary and would make for a hell of a dinner conversation: Who is going to be disciplined, and who will do the disciplining? And how far does the discipline go? There’s a big difference between light spankings with a decorative whip and being bound and gagged like a Christmas ham.
3. There are levels to this shit, and S&M (or sadomasochism) is penthouse status. This is where things get real. Rihanna knows. Nonadventurous folks might want to hop off the elevator at B or D. I ain’t mad at cha, word to Pac. Risqué folks, read on.
S&M, in a nutshell, is about pain — inflicted, received, and everything in between. Consensual, of course. This is not about inflicting pain on someone who has not made it clear that they want it. And that can’t be repeated enough. Pain can be pleasurable, but only if and when it’s explicitly asked for.
With those ground rules established, go for it. Start with a session where no safe word is needed because things are just that safe. Think neck nibbles or hand squeezes. Just remember that what feels light to one person may be someone else’s upper limits, especially when it comes to instruments. Swapping a solid paddle for one with a hole in the middle (and thus less wind resistance) can quickly take things from “ftw!” to “wtf!” Or so I’ve heard.
None of the above will work in a relationship where neither party feels comfortable speaking up about boundaries. Listen, it’s totally okay to stay in the furry handcuffs lane. That’s likely where you’ll find me, brainstorming safe words. Yadidamean?
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