Why does everyone think I’m gay? It is a question I asked myself a lot as a child, but not one I’ve cared to ask in my adult years.
This is primarily due to personal growth. I now care very little about how people perceive me as long as I’m happy with how I perceive myself, but more importantly, I no longer view it as an insult.
As a young child, I was never quite masculine enough to meet my family’s expectations. I played sports casually, but I didn’t like sports enough. I didn’t play for a school. I didn’t enjoy fighting. I didn’t want to hurt anyone or be hurt.
I enjoyed reading books, sharing my emotions, and caring for others' emotions.
I know it is frowned upon in mainstream society now, but calling someone gay was just a common insult back then.
It is true that it was not always linked to sexuality, but that is where the negativity started. It was a clever way to equate gay to bad before kids were even old enough to understand sexuality.
I was old enough to understand though. When I was called gay for a bad play on the field or a dumb idea, I didn’t really take it personally. However, due to immaturity and ignorance, when I was called gay in a way that questioned my masculinity, it stuck with me.
I think the most specific example of this comes from when my cousin asked me why I walked like a girl. It was gay.
It was a quick, harmless jab, like so many other verbal jabs of the time, but this one left internal bleeding that took far too long to heal.
I spent too long obsessing over the way I walked. I didn’t want people to think I was gay. I remember eventually asking my mother about it.
She was angry enough that I feared for my cousin, but she told me I walked normally. I just had a heavy walk.
My mother’s anger reinforced the idea that being gay was bad. Even then I was old enough to know that was not really true, but I was still immature enough to be very concerned with being viewed as gay.
By high school, I was comfortable with my own sexuality and identity, at least enough to ask my mother why gay people went to hell. This was enough for her to assume I was gay. I then spent several years ignoring bible verses and monologues about why being gay was bad.
In my classroom
I view myself as traditionally masculine. It feels like I present myself to the world as a straight, cis man. It is the role that fits me. Despite the way I view myself, my students often think I am gay.
I used to always start the year by allowing students to ask me questions about myself. One of the first questions I received was about my sexuality. I answered honestly but was also sure to explain that everyone in my class was welcome.
I’ve had students tell me at different points in the year that they thought I was gay. I often have LGBT students confide in me because they think I am gay.
I’m happy that whatever energy I give off allows them the courage to speak to me.
I’ve never thought to ask why I’m often perceived as gay, but I am sometimes offered unsolicited reasons.
- my voice (I guess it is not as deep as a traditionally masculine voice)
- my empathy
- the way I dress (apparently I dress better than most male teachers which doesn’t say much about how they dress)
- My students only see me talking to women
Pretty basic stuff, but I can’t help but notice that the way I walk is not included.
My students usually quickly perceive me as a safe space. I try to be understanding and fair in all situations and they know this. Every year I have students come to me when they do not feel comfortable talking to anyone else.
This often includes LGBT students, but I recently spoke to a student that identifies as a straight cis male that felt he could not be himself because he did not want to be called gay.
He wanted to do simple things like paint his nails and wear makeup. We often assume that the sins of the past have been solved by the young, open-minded generation, but that is not really true.
I still have to talk to kids when they use “gay” as a catch-all for bad.
I have a video that I sometimes show when teaching about satire and stereotypes. In it, gender roles are reversed. There is nothing about sexuality, but there are often students afraid that the video is saying that it is okay to be gay.
Things are better, but we still have a long way to go.
It feels silly to write this when laws are still being created to actively harm the LGBT community.
It is sad.
Humanity should be better, but it starts with silly stuff like this. It is that subconscious thought that gay is bad that allows lawmakers to move with minimum pushback, and sometimes even worse, support.
In case no one has told you lately, it doesn’t matter how others perceive you. Work on loving yourself and finding what makes you happy.
This post originally appeared on Medium and is edited and republished with author's permission. Read more of LG Ware's work on Medium.