Half-eaten box of Valentine's Day candy
Photo: Cathy Scola / Getty Images

The 7 Absolute Worst Ways to Celebrate Valentine's Day, Ranked

Cupid can't save you from yourself

7. Dinner at an expensive restaurant you can't afford

You're gonna spend the whole night looking at those inflated-for-V-Day menu prices, hoping your date doesn't order the lobster course and the most Armand De Brignac champagne. When the bill finally comes, try to hide your eye twitching.

6. Obeying "Don't get me anything for Valentine's Day" request

Don't fall for this trap! At the very least, get a a nice card and write your heartfelt feelings below the Hallmark sentiment. Yes, it's a commercial holiday for selling pink crap, but ignore it at your peril unless you want to hear "Remember that year when you didn't get me anything for Valentine's Day?" for the rest of your relationship's life.

Related: The 5 Valentine’s Day Gifts Most Likely to Start a Fight, Ranked

5. Buying tacky lingerie

Lingerie can be hot af, but men are the worst judges of what will look good on their lady, fit comfortably, and make her feel sexy. You might be in for an awkward fitting/reveal, if you even get that far.

4. Buying last-minute CVS chocolates and roses

If you're hunting for a Valentine's gift on actual Valentine's Day—grabbing the ragged dregs of what's left on the nearly drugstore's empty shelves—or you ordered something online that's arriving too late, you're revealing your lack of initiative and ability to plan ahead. Could be a relationship killer.

Related: Valentine’s Day Isn’t a Good Time to Experiment With Your Sex Routine

3. Overdoing Valentine's Day it in a new relationship

If you just started dating, use moderation! Valentine's Day is super tricky: You don't want to go so big that it makes her uncomfortable. Plus, how will you top it if you're still together next year? Avoid being a love bomber.

2. Underdoing Valentine's Day in any relationship

If your Valentine's Day plans and gifts are half-assed, it will be obvious. It's not about spending tons of money, it's about expressing your feelings and, you know, speaking your (and your partner’s) love language. If you're not willing to do that, it's gonna be a rough Feb. 14.

1. Making yourself the gift

If you plan to drape yourself on a red velvet comforter with a big bow on your junk and say, "Here's your Valentine's Day present!" just stop right there and reconsider. You are not Justin Timberlake. You may be a grand prize according to your mom, but this is not the day to test that.