10 Things White People Love Posing as, Ranked

10. Victims of cancel culture

White people love pretending that they are just walking around in between moments of cancelation. They’re either about to be canceled or just got canceled — both of which ignore the fact that they’ll be enjoying the rest of their lives consequence-free.

9. Undecided voters

These facades are the easiest to see through, obviously. We know exactly what you mean and what you’re going to do. Stop wasting our time.

8. Oppressed

Why don’t they just dress up as the First Amendment with a bunch of footprints? Remember, inconvenience is SLAVERY!

7. Traffic officers

There’s nothing White people love more than jumping in front of traffic and directing it. If there’s a fender bender or an old lady with a sprained ankle in the middle of the road, there’s always a Civil Engineer Stu who jumps out of the bushes and starts telling cars when to stop and go, acting like they understand traffic flow.

6. Question askers

“This is more of a comment than a question…” OH PIPE DOWN.

5. Originators

There’s nothing a White person loves like crediting a fellow White person with an idea they had no part in originating. This goes out to every Jennerdashian, as well as every journalist who has credited them with inventing things like box braids or curves or mahogany skin.

4. The stars of movies about Black people

There’s no costume that requires the commitment and imagination of a White person dressing up as the central figure in a Black story. If you’re looking for costume inspirations, just check The Help, Green Book, Mississippi Burning, or history textbooks.

3. Allies

This is like the Scream mask of White posturing. It’s a classic. Can’t go wrong with pretending to care about marginalized people. Sells out at Party City every time.

2. Economically anxious

The most prevalent costume from the past four years has been that of “economic anxiety.” Remember that stance that swore that people voted for 45 because they were tired of losing out on money — but then they kept supporting him, despite the biggest economic crash of our lifetimes? Someone get Scooby-Doo on this case.

1. Black women

If there’s one thing that we’ve learned in 2020, it’s that White people love pretending to be Black women. They like making up names for themselves, they like creating backstories that are based on Tyler Perry scripts. It’s like Dungeons and Dragons but, you know, racist.