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5. The Quinto
No, this one isn’t named after actor Zachary Quinto, but rather the five shots of digestion-hastening espresso lurking in a bath of steamed milk. Soon to be affectionately known by ’bucks enthusiasts (and the lactose intolerant) as “The Colon Blow.”
4. All White Everything
You could try ordering this as a “White Party,” but you’d run the risk of getting a gender-reveal gathering in a takeaway cup. What you’re really after here is the 12 pumps of vanilla syrup and three solid glugs of heavy cream in the weakest coffee they’re able to make. Served with a side of Carrie Underwood digital downloads, of course.
3. Frothy Brown
This spicy-ass cup of Joe won’t do shit for your arithmetic, but it lives up to its slogan — “I’ll be good!” — thanks to cloves and cinnamon and allspice and a bunch of other Caribbean seasonings. Just don’t order it with “a lil’ skim.”
2. Karen’s Karamel Koffee
The only tradition more beloved than coffee at Starbucks is White women complaining about their order (or about the Black men in “their” establishments). That’s a lot of syllables, so ask for a “Triple K” — they’ll know exactly what you mean.
1. Just Add Raisins
Dear White readers: no, “Just Add Raisins” isn’t the name of the drink — it’s an add-on that the fat cats don’t want you to know about. Coffee too flavorful? Just add raisins. Those rewarmed blondies need a little kick? Just add raisins! The day Starbucks finally rolls out its own potato salad, you’ll be ready.