5. Extra Bed Bath & Beyond coupons in the mail
It may not get Sallie Mae off your back, but at least you can have her over for dinner, thanks to a sweet 20% off one of those air fryers you’ve been eyeing! Cut costs and calories.
4. Free access to Donald Trump’s forthcoming MasterClass on debt management
That deficit’s not going anywhere — might as well learn how to avoid it from the best of the best.
3. 50,000 dogecoins for every American
So crippling; much financial ruin. As of press time, one unit of this meme crypto would run you about $0.05, which means you better put those diamond hands together, pray Elon is right, and ride this coin to the moon. One dollar, here we come! #dogecoin #dogearmy #dogecoinarmy
2. A discount promo code
Here’s the deal: Type the code “NOMALARKEY” into the online payment prompt of your student loan lender for the much-requested $50,000 discount on your existing balance.* Coming soon to RetailMeNot and Honey.
1. Literal (but not financial) forgiveness
Who needs towering tuition debt called off when you can get this instead: a typed memo from President Biden, letterhead and all, expressing his understanding of the monetary decisions regarding education that you made as a teenager. He won’t personally hold them against you — but he won’t wield his executive powers to make them go away, either.
*Offer only available on April 1, because you’d have to be a damn fool to believe Joe “I will not make that happen” Biden would actually allow you to skirt 50 Gs of debt.
Read more: The 5 Worst Patois We Can’t Unhear, Ranked