5 Things More Secure Than the Capitol Building, Ranked

5. Music festival wristbands

Remember festivals? Like, the ones you’d attend in person? You’d get that one bracelet that you had to keep on your wrist for entry — sometimes for days at a time! Whether threaded, plastic, or paper, you’d struggle way more with removing it than those nutjobs did with blitzing one of the most important government buildings in the United States.

4. The natural hair product section in CVS

Sure, swipe a laptop belonging to a legislative official, steal House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s mail, pick up a whole-ass congressional podium — but folks will be goddamned if they get their hands on some leave-in conditioner without one of the pharmacy’s employees unlocking the otherwise-impenetrable plastic panels. (Ditto for condoms and baby formula.)

3. Child-resistant packaging

For decades, these lidded bottles have kept kids from downing, like, 40 Flintstones vitamins at once thanks to push-and-twist functionality that even trips us up sometimes. Maybe someone can build one of these large enough to house both chambers of Congress. You know, for safety reasons.

2. Target

Don’t let the name fool you. Each branch of this department store chain has a literal bullseye on display, yet if there’s a peaceful protest happening anywhere in its vicinity, you should expect to see officers armed like Mega Man standing outside.

1. The login info for literally any online account

Hell, half the time you can’t get into your own damn inbox. You know the vibe: You create the account with literally the only combination of letters and numbers (and characters!) that you can remember, inevitably blank on it one day, reset your password, and spend the rest of eternity repeating the cycle. It’s either that or getting your ass handed to you by two-factor authentication.

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