5 Things Our Kids Could Be Doing Instead of Remote Learning, Ranked

5. Hunting and/or gathering

Look, this is what our preindustrial society was built on. Kids went to school for a few months, and then they’d spend the rest of the year plowing land, harvesting crops, and hunting boar, word to Oregon Trail. Plus, they’ve got TikTok now — we’re pretty sure they can figure out how to kill, skin, and butcher a wild rabbit.

4. Minecraft-ing our way out of this

We grew up on video games that let you rip people’s heads and spinal columns off their bodies. Now kids have video games that make them… smarter? Or at least not as dumb as our generation became? One of those games is Minecraft. Have you seen this shit? They create whole cities with functioning municipal governments and defunded police and everything. Just let the kids play Minecraft for eight hours every day and they’ll figure all this shit out.

3. Telemarketing

Have you ever spoken with customer service at Navient or Comcast? Are you sure those aren’t 10-year-olds with voice modulation devices? Exactly. Our kids can do just as bad a job as they do with fielding customers' requests, and they can contribute to a backward capitalist society at the same time. Win-win!

2. Starting a colony

Stick all the students in empty school buildings, let them form their own societies, and see what they come up with. At the very least, we’d get a goddamn break from them for a couple of months.

1. Nothing

What if the government just made sure our kids were fed and their guardians got the necessary bailout money and we all could just stay put in a home filled with the love and security that we’ve been missing out on for our entire lives while trying to survive in America? Let these kids enjoy a year off while we all face this hellscape. Imagine that.