Rapper-turnt-movie star Jack Harlow made his fast breakout into the acting world on Friday with the release of White Men Can’t Jump, a remix of the 1992 basketball classic that stars Wesley Snipes, Woody Harrelson, and peak Rosie Perez. It was a bold casting for the newbie Louisville artist. And while early reviews haven't been kind to the remake no one asked for, things could've gone worse—particularly if another white rapper played a starring role. Here's a full lineup of other MCs who didn't make the cut, probably for the best.
8. Lil Dicky
Dave Burd is hilarious, charismatic, and, as evidenced by his hit TV show Dave, has the acting chops (and bucket-getting ability) worthy of a double threat. Trouble is, Lil Dicky has turned his namesake into a punchline, which would make for an awkward sex scene.
From his early Seattle Mariners-celebrating single “My Oh My” to his ownership stake in the Seattle Kraken to the anti-materialism Air Jordan ode "Wing$," Ben Haggerty is a sports guy through and through. But balling in Velcro Pro Wings and thrift-shop fox fur is a surefire way to pass out before reaching point game.
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6. Paul Wall
While we have no doubt that the Swisha House MC can go hard in the (candy) paint, the constant gleam off Paul’s icy grillz is bound to chop-n-screw up the lighting on set. Just drive slow past the audition, Mr. Wall.
5. Action Bronson
Bronson’s beard is as lustrous as James Harden’s, no doubt. And he strikes the pose of a man who would be difficult to box out. That said, Action’s off-microphone happy place is in the kitchen, not the key. Now, if we were casting White Men Can’t Cook, Bronson would be first on the call sheet.
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Just because you crop your hair like Jason “White Chocolate” Williams and toss on a Larry Bird jersey for your hit music video doesn’t necessarily mean you can hoop. Seeing a 53-year-old Everlast hop into a 2023 reboot would be a house of pain for those aging ankles. We can’t see White Men Can’t Jump Around setting any box-office records.
Although his newest album, College Park, sounds exactly like the type of location Woody Harrelson and Wesley Snipes would catch a streetball run, Logic is not white. He’s light skinned. Just ask him. Biracial Men Can’t Jump simply doesn’t have the same ring to it.
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2. Post Malone
Forget "White Iverson." While Posty’s body certainly meets the minimum tattoos-per-square-inch requirement to sub in for a serious basketball player, he’s a little too injury prone for our squad. He wasn’t even fouled when he took that nasty spill in St. Louis. When it comes to our set, he’s still on IR.
1. Vanilla Ice
Robert Van Winkle already had his shot at a cinematic crossover success, and his engine sputtered spectacularly. In 1991’s Cool As Ice, Universal pumped $6 million into a major motion picture starring the “Ice Ice Baby” wonder. Who wouldn’t pay to go see a romantic musical starring a motorcycle-riding rapper? Well, the flick only reaped $1.2 million at the box office and flopped harder than a Manu Ginobili drive to the basket. He's definitely not on fire.