A Sex Plan for Couples in Quarantine
Illustration: Janet Sung

A Sex Plan for Couples in Quarantine

We know these are scary times. Sex might help.

When you shacked up with your partner, you probably never imagined being under the same roof virtually 24/7. That’s the reality for many of us in 2020, whether social distancing, voluntarily isolating, or in full-on quarantine. Without the daily built-in breaks that come with outside obligations — work, friends, gym — folks who are married and/or living together are entering unprecedented terrain. Things are about to get very interesting… especially if you’re reading this just a few feet away from your partner.

Interesting doesn’t have to mean dull. You just need a system to survive what could easily become a monotonous few weeks (or months). You’ll need to establish mutually efficient work-from-home routines to keep your respective bags secured, and indoor date nights to keep the relationship fresh.

Those painful Brazilian waxes she deals with for you? Off the table. And are you really ready to see what un-pedicured feet look like in warm weather? You might have to be.

But what about sex? How do you keep things exciting when you’re shoulder to shoulder all damn day? Neither you nor your partner can get to the beauty salon or barber shop, so you’re not only about to see a lot more of each other — you’re going to see each other in a whole new light. Those painful Brazilian waxes she deals with for you? Off the table. And are you really ready to see what un-pedicured feet look like in warm weather? You might have to be.

You’ll be side by side with your better half for a few weeks. If you can’t escape after an argument or just after spending 72 hours together, what can you do for relief? Sex is the answer, of course. It’s a long-known stress reliever, so tapping into its anti-anxiety purposes is always a good idea. You’ve gotta stay sane somehow.

(However, if you’re lucky enough to have rug rats and crumb snatchers underfoot during these trying times, this advice is not for you. You’ll be lucky if you ever have sex again. I literally have nothing. Do your best to pull equal duty overseeing their virtual schooling and take turns napping — it might be the closest either of you get to an orgasm for a while.)

If you and your partner are worried about boring each other to tears in the bedroom, I’ve got you covered. Just follow this weekly schedule to keep things spicy.

Monday: Bare essentials

You should sport your birthday suit more than just once a year. Sure, you and your partner probably see each other unclothed after dark, primarily under the sheets. But start the week like some nudists — let it all hang out. Got video conference calls? You can dress yourselves north of the border. Suddenly, Mondays aren’t so manic.

Tuesday: Schedule a nooner

For sailors, it means lunch at noon. For winos, a midday pint of beer. For our purposes, we’re talking sex. (Yes, while the sun is up!) There’s no better way to work up an appetite for an afternoon lunch. And remember, it’s always 12 p.m. somewhere.

Wednesday: The R&B tip

Sex is great, but how about trying a little tenderness as well? Take turns setting the mood every week: aromatherapeutic candles, some bubbly, and a 112 playlist. No sex — just relax and tune into each other for a bit.

Thursday: Switch it up

You know that position you and your partner always talk about, but never incorporate into your sex playbook? Or how you agreed to watch porn together but never drop it into your iCal? Or maybe you’re not in the mood but know it’d be great to just focus on her. Being holed up together is the perfect time to try some new tricks. First up: Get those groceries!

Friday through Sunday: Intermittent fasting

Taking a break from sex is an awesome willpower challenge. Let’s see how long you can go without shagging — just foot rubs, kitchen caresses, neck kisses, and other forms of foreplay. The endgame could be very much worth the wait.