6.2. Patty and Gerald—Seniors Who Are More Fit Than You
They're at every race, 60- and 70-something silver foxes who've spent their retirement years getting totally f**king ripped. They have great, acrobatic sex together for hours, probably, and are way faster than you, sonny.
6. Mr. Tech-Head
They wear a $2,100 Garmin smart watch, have the fastest running shoes, a heart monitor, pricey earbuds and 18k gold Ray-Bans. Does any of that make them better runners? No, not at all. They'll piss and moan that their watch time was faster than the official race clock.
5. Baron Von Spit-Phlegm
Watch where you hawk that loogie, buddy, we're right behind you! And while we're talking about bodily fluids, STOP PEEING OUTSIDE DURING A RACE, MALE RUNNERS. It makes the women mad.
4. Jasmine the Instagrammer
Wearing full makeup and a tutu, she's not there to run—she's there to snap pictures and look gorgeous for TikTok and the 'Gram.
3. Swag-Hoarder Lonnie
Free beer and donuts after the race? This person grabs five of each, siphoning the refreshments before slower runners get theirs. They also somehow managed to grab two race medals because they're just that greedy.
2. Brett the Sniper
When you pass someone in a race, it's called a "kill." This mofo waits until you're right about to cross the finish line to speed up and pass you. He probably also snipes people like that on eBay.
1. All These Cheaters
You're not impressing anyone cutting the route short to get a faster time. Yes, we're talking to ALL 11,000 OF YOU RACE CHEATERS.