Here’s Everything the FBI Found When They Raided Trump’s Mar-A-Lago Estate (We Assume)
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Here’s Everything the FBI Found When They Raided Trump’s Mar-A-Lago Estate (We Assume)

The Feds came after the former prez—and we've got some guesses about what they uncovered at his residence

Last night, the FBI raided Mar-A-Lago, former President Donald Trump’s primary residence, as part of a Department of Justice investigation into whether he brought classified documents home with him while in office, which would be a violation of federal law.

Upon the announcement of the search, social media went to town with memes clowning the Clown-in-Chief, whose dirt appears to be catching up to him. Meanwhile, unsurprisingly, Republicans were up in arms, with some, like Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene, tweeting “DEFUND THE FBI!” This marks a dramatic shift of right-wingers finally embracing the Defund the Police movement and condemning no-knock warrants—a plot twist no one had on their 2022 Bingo card.

While we don’t have information yet on what was seized during the raid, we can take some, uh, educated guesses. Here’s what was maybe found by the FBI when they searched Mar-A-Lago.

  1. A dart board with Joe Biden’s face on it.
  2. A course syllabus from Trump University with “lmao” scribbled in the margins.
  3. A notebook labeled “other scam ideas.”
  4. A notebook labeled “2024 campaign platform” with blueprints for an even bigger, more expensive border wall.
  5. A notebook labeled “Ron DeSantis nicknames” with entries like “Wreck-it Ron,” “DeScamtis,” and “Bigfoot.”
  6. A large stack of past-due bank loan bills.
  7. An answering machine with 32 unplayed voicemails from Eric saying “I love you Dad, please call me back.”
  8. A crate with 600 MyPillows.
  9. A dart board with Stacey Abrams’ face on it.
  10. A library whose only contents are 250 copies of The Art of the Deal.
  11. A list of names of unpaid contractors in a folder labeled “suckers.”
  12. A briefcase with all of Rudy Giuliani’s unpaid legal fees.
  13. A framed picture of Ivanka next to a bottle of Jergens.
  14. Two plane tickets to Russia in an envelope labeled “just in case.”
  15. Eight bottles of Coppertone tanning lotion.
  16. A dart board with Mike Pence’s face on it.
  17. One-hundred and sixty-two crumpled up Wendy’s Baconator wrappers.
  18. Not a single Bible in the entire house. Not one.
  19. A map of the United States with push pins and strings connecting Arizona, Georgia, Wisconsin, and Pennsylvania, and a big, handwritten note that says “How???”
  20. Evidence that the former president inappropriately handled classified documents in order to cover up all of his other shady-ass behavior.