How to Deal With Not Finding a Partner
Photo by Kelly Sikkema / Unsplash

How to Deal With Not Finding a Partner

Stop trying. Really.

I got married to my high-school sweetheart.

Technically, we met in high school and knew each other for over a decade before I popped the question and she said yes. We were on two different continents.

For various reasons, our marriage didn’t last as long as we’d hoped.

After that marriage, I chose to be single. Not just to mourn over the death of that relationship, but to face a lot of what came out during that marriage.

You see, I was certain I had found the person I would spend the rest of my life with. If you’d asked me four years ago if this was my partner, and if I’d ever be single again, I’d have laughed at your joke. Yet, here we are.

I can't find a partner.

It’s taking me all of my self-restraint to not say “why would you say that?” Because either you have incredibly impossible expectations/desires or you’re looking in all the wrong places.

And also, because we all get the “finding” part wrong. You don’t find a partner. You stumble upon them while doing your own thing. I know it sounds like one of those Instagram or Tiktok fake deep posts but if there’s anything I know now after marriage, divorce, being single, and being not-so-single, it’s this: when you put your energy into getting the life that you want, the people you didn’t know you wanted will flow into it.

It’s almost uncanny how “not trying” to find a partner gets you a partner.

Related: How Divorce Changed Me According to Seven Black Men

After my divorce, I chose to focus only on taking care of my life in a relatively new country. I was more introverted than I am right now, and I didn’t want to make things worse than they were.

Don’t make it worse, Kamga!”, was my sole goal.

I improved my CV, started eating a lot better, and didn’t work out as much as I’d have wanted ( but definitely more than before).

I had been so sad about it all that doing the bare minimum of furnishing my house, going out for a hike with friends, and watching a movie alone felt soo good.

This brings us to the next part: How can you learn to love your single life?

I’m not gonna lie, being married was really fun.

With time, I realize I’m the kind of person who thrives really well with someone who understands me and provides positive reinforcement. These are things I didn’t know before marriage.

What I learned being alone (again) was how much (and what) I wanted to do with my life. As well as the laundry list of things I had to learn about myself and how to communicate this with an eventual partner.

I had all these dreams and goals I wanted to do “just ‘cause”. I wanted to travel. I wanted to eat food from around the world. I wanted to have a ton of money to help my family if ever the need came and for me to do this, well, I had had to take action.

I didn’t try to “love” my life when I was single. I just tried to love my life. Period.

Because even now, another cliche that people don’t want to accept is: If you aren’t happy single, you’ll probably not be happy in a relationship.

This is because no one can give you the things that are missing in your core.

Sure, they can amplify it. They can make things funnier. They can love you in ways you cannot love yourself. They can make you feel like a star in a movie of two.

That stuff is real: love can move mountains. I have experienced it.

But love can’t give from an empty cup. If someone fills you up like this with this kind of light and life, you have to return it too.

There’s a quote from The Prophet by Khalil Jibran which sums this up well: “Love one another, but make not a bond of love: Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls. Fill each other’s cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf. Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each one of you be alone, Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.”

In order to find a partner and end your single life, you have to love your life enough to not need a partner.

I know! Crazy, right? But what isn’t crazy in this world?

Like when you stop looking for your keys or the word you wanted to Google and then, the moment you surrender, it pops up.

So, how do you find your partner? How do you love your single life? Surrender. Stop trying to move the universe. Move your body, your mind, your spirit. Take action in your life. Become the kind of person a partner would want to be with. Become the ocean of love and love will flow to you.

This post originally appeared on Medium and is edited and republished with author's permission. Read more of Kamga Tchassa's work on Medium.