I Can’t Wait Until Tory Lanez Is Deported
Photo: Greg Doherty/Getty Images

I Can’t Wait Until Tory Lanez Is Deported

Following the singer’s alleged confrontation with August Alsina, it’s finally time to remove this menace from society

As some of us wait for Tory Lanez to be convicted on charges that he allegedly shot Megan Thee Stallion in the foot and deported back to Canada, he’s given the masses a new reason to question why his bond has yet to be revoked until then.

If you don’t recall the previous two reasons why his bail had been increased: the first was for appearing at Rolling Loud Miami before Megan took the stage, violating the restraining order against him. The other offense was discussing Megan on social media.

Now, we’re back to what started it all: The singer/rapper allegedly assaulting people in a fit.

On Sunday, August Alsina posted a picture of himself to Instagram with a bloody lip and faulted Lanez for assaulting him in the caption, saying he “snuck” him.

“As I’m exiting the building after the show last night, A 4’11 sized leprechaun ran down on me w/ 8 oversized security nigxas, whom I greeted each individually upon their walk up as they tried to press me,” August wrote.

He added, “Whole time, I’m one deep. No security.”

“Tory continues to ask wl a broken ego why I didn’t dap him up, I go on to tell him.. I was a fan of him and didn’t understand him speaking on my business publicly In the past, because I don’t know him or ever met him until last night,” August explained. “So when he spoke it caught me off guard because of his past actions, i assumed he didn’t like me, that’s all.”

He further cited health issues and concerns about Covid and monkeypox as reasons for why he didn’t want to touch that man.

August claimed that he “was a bit confused” at how Tory turned himself up “w/ anger after hitting a blunt laced with cocaine obviously,” saying that he “heard the fizzle.”

Let the record show I laughed like hell at “heard the fizzle.”

In response, Tory posted an Instagram story that read, “I don’t know what everybody talking about…”

The singer claimed he has “been in the studio…,” adding he’s “not in anything negative” and that he’s “been working on my myself… and being a better person.”

I’m usually an ally to the short community, but in the case of that insufferable Canadian suffering from the Negro strain of a Napoleon complex, it’s time to lock that lil’ jackass up and let him sit in a cell until his trial.

Tory Lanez once tried to brand Megan Thee Stallion a liar. I believed her then the way I believe August Alsina’s account of what happened now. The only person known not to be truthful in either scenario is the tiny tot of a man increasingly known for his anger problems.

Based on the footage that’s floating around, there is no reason to trust Tory’s denial. While we don’t see Tory Lanez attack August Alsina outright, we can see August walking by as Tory extends his hand out, and after being ignored, chasing after August with his entourage. After that, Tory is walking back and looking quite happy with himself and whatever he just did.

Does that sound like someone working hard on being a better person? Does that sound like a person that wasn’t trying to violently respond to a perceived diss? It sure does sound like someone out on bond who shouldn’t be.

Unsurprisingly, a lot of his fans have defended Tory’s alleged behavior once again.

One comment I saw on Twitter is a sentiment shared by his fans elsewhere on Instagram, Facebook, and presumably some horrible people on TikTok, too: “The people in these comments is annoying. y’all know damn well y’all swinging on somebody that size up pass you like that, stop the cap because y’all hate Tory.”

I don’t understand the hold that menace has on people, but in the same way R. Kelly fans can jump into a lake of fire, so can Tory Lanez’s stans.

If you are an adult who is so easily triggered by someone not wanting to dap you up that your immediate response is to swing on them, you need to find help for anger management—before it’s court-appointed.

Even if some of Tory’s goofy fans want to mask his antics as being a man, consider the kind of folks this kind of man is accused of attacking.

The first is Megan, a woman, which should have written him off to the masses alone. But now consider August Alsina, someone who has discussed his struggles with autoimmune disease for years now.

Back in July 2019, August recalled the time when he was temporarily paralyzed and had to be hospitalized.

“I woke up one day and wasn’t able to walk, couldn’t feel my legs, and my doctor ended up admitting me into the hospital,” August said at the time, adding that he suffered nerve damage as a result of the disease.

And it was at least as recent as May when August claimed he was still fighting for his life.

I’m not necessarily one of those people who pretends that even at our big ages, sometimes people might get popped over their actions—but that’s usually in the context of self-defense. As an adult, there are nonviolent ways to handle beef and the perceived disses that come with it. Anything else is asking for legal problems.

Case in point, the Los Angeles District Attorney’s Office has confirmed that it’s investigating the alleged altercation between Tory Lanez and August Alsina.

“We are aware of the allegations that the defendant attacked artist August Alsina and are investigating these claims,” the District Attorney’s Office said via statement. “The allegations are serious and will be thoroughly examined.”

Tory Lanez can’t sing worth a damn, but he is definitely hitting the note on a third bond violation. I don’t know how many more examples are needed to show what a threat he is. I’m usually an ally to the short community, but in the case of that insufferable Canadian suffering from the Negro strain of a Napoleon complex, it’s time to lock that lil’ jackass up and let him sit in a cell until his trial.

And once he’s convicted, which feels likely to be me, eventually, he can go back where he came from.

He doesn’t deserve to be here.

Michael Arceneaux is the New York Times bestselling author of I Can't Date Jesus: Love, Sex, Family, Race, and Other Reasons I've Put My Faith in Beyoncé, I Don't Want To Die Poor, and the forthcoming I Finally Bought Some Jordan's.