Embrace the Whole-House Sex Challenge
Illustration: Janet Sung

Embrace the Whole-House Sex Challenge

No one ever said the bedroom was the only way to enjoy lockdown loving

It’s been more than a month since most of us began following stay-at-home mandates. That means we’ve cooked every meal, binged every streaming series, video-chatted every friend — all within the confines of our homes. Unless you’re living like Will and Jada, you’re probably tired of shuffling from the living room to the bedroom, to the kitchen, the bathroom, and back again.

And if you’re lucky enough to have a partner, it’s likely that sex has been limited to the bedroom.

What better way to spice up your sex life than inviting a little potential for disaster?

It’s time to mix things up. We have to try to keep things spicy, even in a pandemic. (Hell, especially in a pandemic.) Here are five quarantine-friendly places to get it in. Take note: Some are riskier than others, especially if you have kids. Or thin walls and nosy neighbors. Your mileage may vary.

Beginner: Bedroom (with a twist)

There are plenty of ways to get out of the bed while keeping the rest of the room exciting. Try building a fort out of pillows and blankets. Or pitch a mini-tent on the floor and get some camping sex in, without fear of mosquitos. Or bears.

Bonus: Assemble the tent together as a pregame activity. Add some battery-powered candles and a sounds of nature playlist for extra ambiance.

Beware: This is a locked-door activity if there are roommates or children in the house. Remember, if that door opens, you won’t be able to just freeze in place. A tent or canopy is pretty obvious.

Advanced Beginner: Closet

Your closets may not be large enough to do all the sexy-time things, but that’s the point! Find your largest closet, squeeze in, and see what you can manage. (Feel free to leave the door open for ventilation.) If oral sex is the only feasible option, go for it. If kissing and squeezing is the best you can do, also fine. This isn’t just about penetration; it’s about connecting physically.

Bonus: Start by decluttering your closet for maximum room. Boom — the sexiest spring cleaning ever.

Beware: Just like the tent in the bedroom, make sure you have an exit strategy. This is not a place where you want to get caught — or worse, trapped. Before you close that door, make sure you know how it locks.

Intermediate: Bathroom

Anyone who’s seen Soul Food has probably fantasized about sex on a cold-ass sink. But the logistics of getting freaky in the bathroom are tricky: All that porcelain, the harsh lighting, slippery surfaces. Still, what better way to spice up your sex life than inviting a little potential for disaster?

Bonus: A rose-petal bath soak for two can be a romantic escape from reality. Or repurpose your toilet for a variety of seated sex setups.

Beware: Shower sex can be awkward, but silicone-based lube will help keep things slick. (Better have a slip-proof mat, though). If you plan on lifting your partner, consider stretching ahead of time — catching a charley horse or throwing your back out can be a real mood killer.

Advanced Intermediate: Kitchen

Start by cooking something simple together. (No judgment if you decide to plate your takeout on the good dishware.) After dinner, use the kitchen counter for a little dessert — its height and surface area make it perfect for a culinary Kama Sutra.

Bonus: Remember that Seinfeld episode where Constanza combined his two favorite things, food and sex? Try it out. Stock up on strawberries and whipped cream so you’ll both be looking like a snack.

Beware: This should go without saying, but the stove is off-limits. This is not what we mean by keeping things hot.

Pros (With Garages) Only: Car

For a forbidden thrill, take it back to the juvenile days, when most of us had infinite libido and zero privacy. If your car is on the street, you may want to steer clear of this one — but if you have a secluded option like a carport or driveway, you can get a whole date night going.

Throughout the day, surreptitiously add the needed items to the car — blankets, wine glasses, and so on. Load up a car-specific playlist on your phone (from Prince’s “Little Red Corvette” to Ari Lennox’s “Backseat”). Grab those battery-powered candles from the bedroom and once you’ve got a quiet house, you can skip out for a bit.

Bonus: Use the tight space to explore each other. Traditional moves may not be comfortable, but you can get creative with the help of reclined seats and open windows.

Beware: You’re in a car. Maybe keep the emergency brake on, just in case.