Put that Ho-Ing on Pandemic Pause

Put that Ho-Ing on Pandemic Pause

It’s simple: If they don’t live with you already, it’s time to break out the lotion

People have needs, but I wonder if some of you hoes are out here actively trying to die.

Personally, I greet global pandemics with fear. Immense fear. I don’t want people near me — particularly if medical officials are encouraging the population to keep away from each other. This excludes service workers, of course: God bless them, and may their immune system remain as strong as Megan Thee Stallion’s knees. (Also, tip them well; they deserve it now more than ever.)

Everyone else, though? It all depends. When’s the last time you coughed? Who made your hand sanitizer?

I’ve tried to be somewhat chill about the coronavirus situation — as chill as someone whose mama used to make him watch Nostradamus-themed TV specials and similar rapture-related material can be, at least. I wash my hands more than usual. I’ve stopped touching my face, the result of a long process of cursing myself out each and every time I found myself doing so.

Nothing wrong with having sex with a stranger, but during a climate where trust comes a long way right now? Ain’t enough Purell to dip my dick in to take that kind of risk.

I’m gloved up. Of course, y’all took all the good gloves, so all Amazon had left for me that day was a package of white cotton gloves. I’ve since worn them outside and can confirm I look like I’m about to go burglarize someone’s home in 1975 — either that, or serve as a deacon at any decent Black church in the Bible Belt. But I will wear them to do whatever I have to do.

What I don’t have to do is hold somebody’s ass with Southern Baptist accessories.

I recognize that many of you feel differently. To you, a pandemic is the perfect time to get yours. Yes, I mean fuck. Where most are looking to avoid social interaction altogether, you see opportunity.

A part of me respects it; we all have needs, and many will not have shit else to do. If you’re going to tempt fate like that, though, I strongly suggest you turn to your old work rather than new people. Don’t act like you don’t know what I mean by “old work.” You know exactly what the fuck I mean. If you’re going to risk your health, go through your contacts and do it with someone you’re most comfortable with. And maybe wear gloves and a face mask.

You know, if you’re going to do that. And based on my past week, plenty of you are.

Last week, I had to travel to Los Angeles. Yes, the worst possible time to be in one of the worst possible places. What was so fascinating was how many people wanted to fuck or go to brunch without a concern in the world. It was as if simply because something wasn’t directly impacting them yet, it didn’t even exist.

I don’t usually like to spoil television for others like Power fans on every social media service imaginable, but let me highlight what happened on Meet the Press the other day. Dr. Anthony Fauci, director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases (the one in the glasses who cleans up Donald Trump’s remarks each time), said that Americans “should be prepared that they’re going to have to hunker down significantly more than we as a country are doing” to fight the growing COVID-19 outbreak. Fauci said the goal was to “blunt” the curve of confirmed cases, keeping the number of those infected low enough so as to not overwhelm the U.S. hospital system. “If you let the curve get up there, then the entire society is going to be hit,” he said.

I must admit, it boggled the mind that it’s taken so many people to explain to average Americans that the best course of action against a disease that is spread the way that ’rona is — including by people who aren’t displaying any symptoms — is to stay the hell at home. But alas, a lot of y’all cannot be still.

I have multiple messages like these. Folks talking about “let’s meet for drinks” as if it wasn’t obvious to anyone paying attention that everything was about to shut down near and far. And let’s not forget the “WYD?” texts.

For the record, “WYD” remains the laziest fucking thing in life and I deeply resent whenever I read it, no matter how attractive the person asking might be. It’s like No Child Left Behind as an acronym designed to troll me. I hate it. It makes me go flaccid. If that’s TMI, I assure you “WYD” is still more offensive to read.

I will admit I initially almost let the pressure get to me. I’d flown to Los Angeles for the sort of meetings that have the potential to change someone’s life for good — only to have them canceled because of the mounting crisis. I was worried about whether I could be potentially trapped. It’s easy to let go of anxiety through sex, and I get anyone who might have gone that route. I nearly did.

Then I thought about it. Who, for the love of ho shit under safe settings, is out here trying to smash someone they barely know? Nothing wrong with having sex with a stranger, but during a climate where trust comes a long way right now? Ain’t enough Purell to dip my dick in to take that kind of risk. This is why I said if you’re going to play with the gift of life, at least go out with someone you’re more familiar with. Not to write your death scene, but I think going for what you know works the best now.

Not me, though. I’ll be damned if I allow myself to get too weak in the penis that I run the risk of getting clapped by COVID-19. I know people who had no idea they weren’t supposed to be touching their faces until I told them. Or so many other tidbits that should have been common knowledge by now. I have corrected people who were talking about “countries like Italy and Germany are safe from the virus, so we should be fine.” The claim “everyone is overreacting” is the common cry of the common fool.

So, for the foreseeable future, I’ll be handling my own satisfaction. When the American pool is too stupid and careless to choose from, masturbation is the only high-touch scenario I need. Call me Yung Germaphobe all you wish, but maybe I would be more supportive of whoring right now if we lived in Hong Kong or South Korea, where they seem to be handling everything better. Americans are often selfish and ignorant, as evidenced by recent behavior.

The people going to beaches.

The people in the restaurants.

The people going to gyms.

The people still coughing with their fucking mouths open on the plane next to me.

The people trying to treat what’s happening right now as a snow day and all the extracurricular activities those entail.

What is wrong with y’all?

I have struggled to write about how frustrating it’s been to watch so many other people be self-absorbed and harmful in this pivotal moment. I have worried about sounding judgmental or snobbish, but it makes me angry all the same. I have never thought less about myself than I have right now. I’m disgusted and angered by people who don’t share that same sense of urgency and same degree of consideration for others.

I’m not advocating people go chaste. I’m just saying in this moment, nothing could make my dick any less hard than hard-headed people. I hope people find as much joy as they can in a time of crisis like this — but I especially hope that it doesn’t come at the expense of themselves or others.

Besides, masturbating is good for your immune system.