It’s not a good sign that this chain’s marketing messaging over the past few years has essentially been: “Yo, sorry our service is trash.” But it’s hard to beat a $5.99 pickup — even if the cheese is more like “Cheez™.”
6. Cicis Pizza
Okay, this one is a pre-pandemic consideration. We know that you’ll probably never go to an open eatery again; we don’t blame you. But there was a time when the idea of never-ending pizza felt damn near utopian.
5. Little Caesars
The best thing about Little Caesars is that they’re not even trying to convince you that their slices slap. They focus on the basics: temperature (hot!) and availability (ready!). Taste? Ehh. Low-key, though, the deep-dish and stuffed-crust pies are actually slammin’ when you’re waist-deep in rum.
4. Pizza Hut
You’re not really eating pizza when you eat Pizza Hut — you’re eating memories of old book club readings where personal pan dishes and red cups of Dr Pepper were served to you and your fellow fifth-graders. Either that or those trippy-ass commercials starring a talking slice that look straight out of an Adult Swim deleted reel.
Oh, you’re sleeping on Blaze? You shouldn’t. Blaze is like the Subway of pizza places back before Subway was using yoga mats for meat. You get all the toppings you want and the pizza is wood-fired. Also, LeBron James pops up as a pizzaiolo in disguise. What more could you ask for?
2. Chuck E. Cheese
Yes, we know this is a children’s play place. But the pizza here is so good that during the pandemic shutdown, the chain was like “fuck a ball pit” and rebranded itself Pasqually’s Pizza & Wings so that it could pivot to delivery. Sure, when you were a kid, and the place was still called Chuck E. Cheese’s Pizza, the food was an afterthought — all you really cared about was getting back to Whack-A-Mole — but trust us, it was fire. Even if the mascot is an actual rodent.
1. Papa John’s (the non-bigoted edition)
It was a sad day when Papa John revealed himself as a racist — mostly because Papa John’s pizzas aren’t that bad. But we had to see them at the crossroads for a while, word to Bizzy Bone. With John Schnatter out and Shaq now on the board, we can enjoy pizza like our ancestors intended: with an included pepperoncini!