The 7 People Who Are Most Likely Counting Our Votes Right Now, Ranked
Photo illustration; source: Noam Galai/Getty Images

The 7 People Who Are Most Likely Counting Our Votes Right Now, Ranked

Is there some funny business going on?

7. Foxy Brown

Counting ballots is easy. All you need to do is figure 32 grams raw, chop it in half, get 16, double it times three, we got 48, which mean a whole lot of cream. Divide the profit by four, subtract it by eight, we back to 16.

6. This security guard

We could imagine at a certain point folks are just mindlessly sifting through ballots without thinking about it too much. We feel him. It’s only American democracy in the balance.

5. The sloths from ‘Zootopia’

Oh, you thought these sluggish animated characters were just figments of Disney’s imagination? Nope. They’re real, and they’re in all the corners of America determining the next president at the slowest possible pace.

4. The Count from ‘Sesame Street’

Imagine someone carefully counting each ballot, but squeezing in an arithmetic lesson every minute or two. At the very least, he’s going to be accurate as hell. Can’t get anything past him.

3. Donald Trump

Are we totally sure the dumbest man in America isn’t also counting ballots one by one? On the bright side, there’s a good chance he’d toss the wrong ones.

2. Shaun King

We’re sure there’s a newsletter coming any minute now explaining to you that he’s the only person in the world who can get this done. The only way to make sure is to donate to his totally legitimate GoFundMe.

1. Tron from ‘Chappelle’s Show’

That’s right. In case you didn’t hear, the GOP has replaced all Scantrons with just Tron. He’ll get right on that tally once his hot hand at the dice game cools off.

Read more: 5 Most Effective Ways to Avoid Election Day Angst, Ranked