7. Red Velvet
Basically a Tootsie Roll — if a Tootsie Roll was shaped like a demon’s tooth and had an unsightly red-white-and-brown colorway and the texture of a candlestick. It’s a no from me, dawg.
6. Peanut Butter Cup
Shout-out to Brach’s for successfully inventing the one wrong way to eat a peanut butter cup.
Excessive patriotism meets the shittiest candy in your Halloween basket. We’re sure these red-white-and-blue candies are a hit with the MAGA crowd, which should tell you everything you need to know about their taste.
4. Pumpkin Spice
The pumpkin spice industrial complex must be stopped. This shit is getting out of hand.
3. Birthday Cake
Wanna know what’s worse than the ever-present dread that with each passing day we’re inching closer to our inevitable demise? Try ringing in your bornday with these blue, pink, and white monstrosities. If a gender-reveal party was food, it’d be this.
2. Waffles & Strawberry
Millennials, you’re off the hook — we’ve finally discovered who really ruined brunch.
1. Turkey Dinner
Somebody come look at this. Behold, an entire Thanksgiving meal converted into a bagful of waxy morsels. You’ve got ginger glazed carrot, sweet potato pie, cranberry sauce, green beans(?), stuffing(??), roasted turkey(?!!?). There’s always something to be thankful for — but friends, this ain’t it.