5. Dr. Umar Johnson (Ho-Ho-Hotep Holiday Kufi Krispies)
There’s only one Wise Man in this nativity tale, and he’s bringing frankincense, myrrh, and cold hard truths. We’re sorry, but this flavor is only for Black people. No disrespect, but you must be Black to crack this pint. It is not open to anybody but Black people.
4. Nate Robinson (Knockout Nougat Parfait)
You get it home, excited for something that promises to punch above its weight class… only to find a lumped-up morsel lying at the bottom of the container, smothered by what seems to be unsweetened plain frozen yogurt. Let’s just agree never to speak of this again.
3. Boosie (Badazzberry Binary Delight)
This flavor’s got everything — well, it’s really got only two things. And an open mind ain’t one of ’em.
2. Diamond & Silk (Red Hat Velvet Covid-19-Denier Crunch)
MAGA Nation’s favorite Trump token twins may have gotten kicked off Fox News for claiming quarantining gives people the ’rona, but they’re still getting that cream — studded with a few nuggets of conspiracy to keep your mouth entertained.
1. Shaun King (White Chocolate Charlataffy)
Weird thing about white chocolate: It calls itself chocolate, but it doesn’t really taste like chocolate. There’s no one way chocolate looks, so you can’t go off appearances — like, chocolate’s not a monolith — but if we didn’t know better we’d really think it was vanilla. Anyway, don’t go looking for this in your freezer aisle. It’s too busy sending fundraising emails.
Read more: The 9 Best La Croix Flavors, Ranked