5. Bad Detroit football
We’re sick of watching the Lions. It’s one of the day’s worst traditions, and yet, no one can actually tell us why it still exists. We don’t need some inspirational origin story about the Fords or about large felines trapping turkeys in their maw while roaming the Serengeti; all we ask is that you try a little bit, NFL. Doing something awful just because we’ve always done it this way is just — oh, wait, never mind, that’s the NFL’s whole shit. Carry on.
4. Political conversations with family at dinner
Your uncle is always liable to say some thoughtless shit — about Trump, Biden, Black-on-Black crime, about the cranberry sauce propaganda proliferating around these times — but what makes this so annoying is that he believes absolutely none of it. He’s only there to get a rise out of us. AND IT WORKS EVERY TIME.
3. Jacked-up sleep schedules
This holiday is an attack against circadian rhythms everywhere. How are we supposed to wake up in the morning, starve ourselves for hours, then eat at 5 p.m. and be dead asleep by 5:45 — only to eat again two hours later and conk out again a smooth 15 after that, so that by 9 p.m. we’re somehow both wide awake and trapped in a weird perma-dream state?
2. Pardoned turkeys
You know that viral tweet that asks you to name something that isn’t racist but FEELS racist? That’s this. Right here. Like, the turkey can get pardoned from the death sentence that nature intended, but somehow these same politicians can’t pardon actual humans unless Kim Kardashian or somefuckingbody visits the White House. Sounds fowl to us.
1. The whole Pilgrim thing
History books be damned, we know that the Pilgrims not only were gifted fire-ass harvest meals from Native American peoples, but they also grifted quite a bit from those same Natives, robbing their graves and offing their tribe members. And how is that altruism remembered centuries later? By White folks waving around racist caricatures of indigenous culture. This is basically Columbus Day with dry-ass turkey — but hey, pass the stuffing or whatever!
Read more: The 9 Earwormiest ‘Animaniacs’ Songs, Ranked