The 12 Major Fall and Winter Holidays, Ranked

12. Columbus Day

The only Christopher we acknowledge is Wallace. And Tucker. And Bridges. Perhaps Bosh and Paul, too. You know what, let’s just say we don’t like Christopher Columbus because he was a genocidal freak.

11. Valentine’s Day

There are so many ways corporate marketing has conned us into spending money. Enough is enough. If you’re booed up, you should already be going on dates and celebrating special occasions like birthdays, anniversaries, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, and Christmas. The only people who really need Valentine’s Day are executives in Big Candy.

10. New Year’s Eve

NYE is never as exciting or important as expected. It’s the worst time of the year to go out and party. You really anticipating that overpriced annual event in your city that is guaranteed to leave traffic in gridlock? I don’t think so. It's dubbed amateur hour for a reason. At least there's black-eyed peas and green beans, though.

9. Veteran’s Day

The United States military is awful, but shoutout to all the Black soldiers who donned the uniform of a country that despises them and risked their lives to put food on the table. Also, there are sales and you get the day off for this one so that’s a plus.

8. Election Day

This is not really a holiday even though it should be? Of course, that would allow people to cast ballots with too much ease—and the powers that be don’t want that. Stay woke. Diddy said “vote or die,” but nothing seems to change no matter who you vote for. So it’s more like “vote and choose which way to die is the least bad.”

7. Hanukkah

Beyond that “Dreidel” ditty they taught us back in elementary school, I don’t really know much about Hanukkah. But I don’t want to ignore it—seems a little disrespectful and Kanyelike. So shout out to the Jewish brethren and l’chaim to the Black Jews out here!

6. Kwanzaa

Never celebrated Kwanzaa but it’s wonderful that Black folks created a holiday free of the tradition founded on deeply racist, sexist, or capitalist ideals. I still would like some presents, though.

5. Christmas Day

The number of traditions and ways people spend time with their loved ones on Christmas Day are immense. Spending quality time with the people who matter the most to you is the foundation of Christmas. The gifts are great but they’re just material things. However, there are few feelings better than being a little kid and getting the perfect present—the bike, the non-knockoff sneakers, the Nintendo Gamestation (or whatever your mom called it). And being the mom or dad who makes it all possible? I’ve heard that takes the cake.

4. Halloween

Real ones know Halloween—not New Year's Eve—is the biggest party night of the year. Costume wearers and those against it all go hard the entire weekend that precedes or includes Halloween. But real ones also know sometimes you can’t keep up like you used to, going to nine different parties in four days. Things change as you get older and you just want to sit the hell down somewhere and eat candy until you reactivate that one random cavity. Still, Halloween is a first-ballot hall of fame holliday.

3. New Year’s Day

There’s a whole lot of stuff you’re forced to take part in all fall and winter. This day is all about rest before being forced to get back to the grind and break all of your resolutions. It’s also about those black-eyed peas from the night before.

2. Martin Luther King Jr. Day

Martin had a dreaaaammmmm!

1. Thanksgiving

We hate that this holiday is essentially a whitewashing of Native American genocide but Thanksgiving is probably the greatest holiday of the entire year. It has the sappy togetherness element of Christmas Day but with a ton of food. We’re talking sides, main dishes, wine, beer. All that. A food coma (with the open-mouth snoring!) never felt so peaceful.