6. July 4
We’re not gonna go full Frederick Douglass on you right now, but trust that the most you’ll get out of Black people for “Independence Day” is some love for fireworks. Celebrating freedom in the same country with a prison-industrial complex? Might need to wait for July 34th for that to happen.
5. St. Patrick’s Day
Any holiday that encourages debauchery is skating on thin ice, but when the debauchery is this unrelentingly Caucasian, there’s no point in even debating it. Turning beer green is only the beginning of the grossness, which invariably ends in city streets that look like a Roman purgatorium. We’re good on performative chugging, racist chants, and unprovoked property damage, thanks.
4. Columbus Day
Rebranding it to Indigenous People’s Day is all well and good, but that’s not gonna stop anyone with a shred of Genoan ancestry from venerating this violent doofus who couldn’t even find his way to Asia. Get a GPS and pick a struggle!
You thought St. Patty’s was bad? Take away the undergirding folklore and see what you’re left with: marauding packs of day-drinking red-clad frat boys. All the aggression of March 17, multiplied by the anxiety of the winter holidays. PASS.
2. President’s Day
Every president is a war criminal — even the Black ones — so yes, please keep this holiday. It’s not like most of us even get the day off. If you feel the need to celebrate George Washington so bad, just remember his dentures were likely made from enslaved people’s teeth.
1. April Fools Day
Black people hate pranks. Do not even think about pranking Black people unless you want a side-eye at best or some words about your mother at… well, at second-best. This has been a PSA from your friendly neighborhood editors.