6. CEO of Young Money
Who knows what the hell kind of deal Lil Wayne made with Trump. But now that the rapper has officially been pardoned by his soon-to-be unemployed homie, don’t be surprised if that gesture is repaid in the form of enlistment as head of Weezy’s record label. Seeing Trump dramatically swivel around in a boss’ chair rubbing those tiny little hands together is a special kind of chaos that feels appropriate for 2021. Just wait for the face tats.
5. Commissioner of the Big3
Tunechi isn’t the only rapper the Donald broke bread with while in office. Ice Cube’s Platinum Plan walked so the AARP Plan could soar.
4. Social media strategist
Trump got his ass banned from mass-scale outlets across the ’net, which leaves the door open for a job in content strategy for whatever QAnon forum hasn’t yet been deplatformed.
3. MyPillow brand ambassador
Birds of a down feather flock together, so don’t be surprised if you see Trump and MyPillow — whose founder and CEO has repeatedly called the presidential election fraudulent and visited Trump last week to press for martial law — in bed together in the near future. The possibility bears the question: What does Trump’s bedhead actually look like? That sad excuse for a hair piece must fear for its life any time dude lays his head down.
2. Mar-a-Lago tour guide
Ain’t shit going on at Mar-a-Lago right now. And thanks to the PGA pulling its tournaments from Trump-owned properties, even less will be happening in the coming months. But we can imagine that the compound will turn into a White supremacist museum of sorts, with a bubbly docent leading you through the scorched earth — and who better to insist all is well than the king of denial?
1. Landscaper on highway medians
As unskilled as the president is, we have a feeling he’d look great in a brightly colored jumpsuit, trimming the hedges and maybe scooping some trash while he’s at it. Honk if you love orange!