6. Mike Judge
Sure, he’s a judge in name only, but the creator of King of the Hill and Office Space would keep the mood light by stating his court decisions in a solidly sordid humor built on millennial angst (followed by a Beavis and Butt-Head chuckle). We’ve gotta applaud a guy who double-dipped in Run The Jewels’ discography when soundtracking Silicon Valley — at least he shows some willingness to recognize and validate an angry Black man.
5. Judge Roy Snyder
We don’t quite know what to make of one of The Simpsons’ judges being a Black dude, but shouts to the representation-industrial complex, we guess?
4. Judge Judy
Name a judge who matches the septugenarian aesthetic and second-wave feminist energy of the late Ruth Bader Ginsburg better than Brooklyn’s own Judge Judith Sheindlin. We’ll wait.
3. Randy Jackson
Just imagine if every court decision was delivered using a soundbite from this former American Idol judge. Overturning Roe v. Wade? “Issa no from me, dawg.” Upholding worker protections? “Yo, I’m really feelin this!”
2. Judge Dredd
The comic-book antihero’s brand of justice isn’t for everyone. Like most policemen serving in a dystopian world — or really any setting, to be honest — he’s allowed to kill with impunity. But! It’s important to note that when he was tasked with bringing down a fascist overseer oppressing lower-class citizens, Dredd (as played by Sylvester Stallone in the 1995 film adaptation) didn’t hesitate to let the choppa sing. Nothing but respect for this upstanding man of the law.
1. Judge Phillip Banks
When the dust has settled and the “Where’s Obama?” posts have all come and gone, it will be us, standing in the remnants of what once was a functional society, looking to the heavens and wondering, “Why he don’t want us, man?” And there, without saying a word, the iconic TV judge affectionately known as Uncle Phil will hold us in a steady, comforting embrace. And in that unconscionable silence, he will whisper, “It’s because he never loved you, son.”