6. Nobody gives a damn about a 40-degree day
One day, at an earlier job, I was trying to tell my boss about the productive-ass work day I’d just completed. I’ll never forget his response. He leaned toward me and said the following:
“So you got one, huh? That’s good. That’s like a 40-degree day. Ain’t nobody got nothing to say about a 40-degree day. 50? Bring a smile to your face. 60, shit, [redacted] is damn near barbecuing on that motherfucker. Go down to 20, [redacted] get their bitch on. Get their blood complaining. But 40? Nobody give a fuck about 40. Nobody remember 40, and y’all [redacted] is giving me way too many 40-degree days! What the fuck?”
See? Nobody loves 40-degree days. And fall gives way too many 40-degree days. (I really liked that boss. I wonder what happened to him.)
5. The dumb-ass time change
At this point, I don’t know which time change is the right one or wrong one. All I know is when time goes back one hour in the fall, suddenly it’s getting dark before Toonami is over, and that’s big trash. If March is here to save the daylight, it’s clear that fall is here to kidnap it and throw it off the side of the Empire State Building or whatever. No one enjoys this!
4. The holidays are trash
Columbus Day takes place in the fall. Oh, that’s not enough for you? Okay, well, then there’s Halloween: A holiday that’s technically not a holiday because people still gotta go to school. “I can’t Halloween too hard because I have class tomorrow.” Wack. Halloween is just recess sponsored by Party City. And don’t even get me started on Thanksgiving, which is basically an ode to genocide. (Shoutout to Black Friday, though.)
3. Pumpkin spice tastes like pissed-on potpourri
2. Fall marks the end of summer
Summer is undoubtedly the best season. This is not up for debate. Fall is the end of all that fun. It’s the iceberg at the end of the summertime cruise. Imagine wanting to put away your thigh-high shorts and tees and pulling out, I don’t know, turtlenecks and cummerbunds and brunch boots or whatever the hell you wear in the fall.
1. Fall won’t even exist in, like, 10 years
Why love something that you know will one day leave you? Unless you’re some QAnon fool or haven’t noticed that the skies on the West Coast are the same color as Sunny Delight, you know that climate change is upon us. The first season to go? MF-ing fall. We’re gonna go from summer straight to winter to a weekend of spring then back to summer. Your grandchildren will have no concept of autumn. So congrats, climate change denier: You love fall… and Breitbart.