6 Things Your Dad Actually Wants for Father’s Day, Ranked

6. Get the hell out the house for once

He already felt a way about you living with your folks after college. But now you’re back at 25 — in the midst of a pandemic — to shelter in your bedroom with the faded Kobe posters? He. Just. Needs. Space.

5. The big piece of chicken

Chris Rock nailed it: “My mama would kill us if one of us ate the big piece of chicken by accident. ‘What the… you ate the big piece of chicken?! Oh, lord no! Now I gotta sew up some chicken! Give me two wings and a pork chop, daddy won’t know the difference!’” (Oh, he’s vegan? Same rules apply for the cauliflower steak.)

4. Financial freedom

Not yours. His. Paying for your apartment is high-key an allowance for adults.

3. Grilling in peace, damn it

You’re a habitual grill stepper. And you don’t even use Lawry’s. Back it up at least three feet, bruh.

2. A tie

Nothing fancy-schmancy. This will do.

1. The truth

He’s already aware that Father’s Day isn’t really a thing. Take it back to Spokane, Washington — where it originated — have one more big bash with the townies, and leave it there. (The holiday was made official by Richard Nixon, anyway.)