6. Get the hell out the house for once
He already felt a way about you living with your folks after college. But now you’re back at 25 — in the midst of a pandemic — to shelter in your bedroom with the faded Kobe posters? He. Just. Needs. Space.
5. The big piece of chicken
Chris Rock nailed it: “My mama would kill us if one of us ate the big piece of chicken by accident. ‘What the… you ate the big piece of chicken?! Oh, lord no! Now I gotta sew up some chicken! Give me two wings and a pork chop, daddy won’t know the difference!’” (Oh, he’s vegan? Same rules apply for the cauliflower steak.)
4. Financial freedom
Not yours. His. Paying for your apartment is high-key an allowance for adults.
3. Grilling in peace, damn it
You’re a habitual grill stepper. And you don’t even use Lawry’s. Back it up at least three feet, bruh.
2. A tie
Nothing fancy-schmancy. This will do.
1. The truth
He’s already aware that Father’s Day isn’t really a thing. Take it back to Spokane, Washington — where it originated — have one more big bash with the townies, and leave it there. (The holiday was made official by Richard Nixon, anyway.)