8. Wonder Woman
Overall, Wonder Woman isn’t a monster. But she’s had her moments. Like that one time she sold her people out by breaking her homeland’s millennia-old rule: Absolutely no men allowed! She just had to bring a dude to the all-female Amazonian island of Themyscira for no reason other than he’d crash-landed, was cute or whatever, and was probably gonna die. And they say men have trouble controlling their lassos.
7. The Punisher
Give a traumatized military tactician a seemingly endless arsenal of weapons and a black skull T-shirt and watch his incel ass go full Call of Duty on the criminal underworld. Is there anything worse than a trigger-happy antihero who’s just as likely to pop a cap in your kneecap as he is to save you from a burning building?
6. Cyclops and Wolverine (tie)
The one nice thing you can say about either mutant is that he loathes the other. Cyclops routinely makes terrible decisions as the leader of the X-Men and showcases the selfishness of a coddled boomer. (He once damn near started a mutant war after having psychic intercourse with Emma Frost, rival to his main thang, Jean Grey.) As for Wolverine, he’s just a grump. Lovable? Sure. But not only is this dude a ferocious, immortal simp (who lusts after Jean Grey as well), but you can smell the bourbon on his breath through the comic book page.
Aquaman compensates for his irrelevance with a drab arrogance fit for a king. Despite most of Earth’s crises occurring on land, this dude is always flapping at the gills about how incredibly dangerous and impressive he is. And, yes, that’s true. But you’re sharing space with Superman, literally the most powerful being in the multiverse. Just park it for a fucking second.
3. Captain America
Never forget when Marvel trolled the whole fanbase by revealing that Captain America was a Nazi. A stunt? Maybe. But also the most realistic comic book plot twist of all time.
2. Iron Man
An obvious a-hole styled after the decadence and glam of Bruce Wayne. But instead of a daddy-shaped scar, Tony Stark’s conflict comes from his history as an arms dealer. And so he dedicates his life to… creating war machines that end up destroying entire cities? Make it make sense!
Only one of these heroes has a Twitter account dedicated to dunking on him, and that’s the douchiest caped crusader in all of comics — a billionaire cop with rigid sensibilities around street justice and a hankering for rumbles with traumatized adolescents and spandex-garbed sociopaths. If Batman caught you jaywalking in Gotham, he’d probably break your legs.