A Guide to Upgrading Your Sex Positions
Illustration: Janet Sung

A Guide to Upgrading Your Sex Positions

There’s no need to assume with these six creative positions

Can we still talk about sex?

Life on the outside is a complete shitshow. We literally don’t know what to expect from one day to the next. My friends are getting random personal cash donations from their White friends. The mayor of Los Angeles is cutting the police department’s funding — and redirecting funds to communities of color. All four officers involved in George Floyd’s death have been charged, although the ordeal is far from resolved.

I have a question, though. When the television is off, the phone is on Do Not Disturb mode, and the world is temporarily at bay… are you still having sex?

I think we are. I know I am. So although the world is completely unpredictable at the moment, we need to continue talking about the sexytimes. We need it now more than ever.

This morning, just as I was sipping my first cup of coffee, I turned to my partner with a morning icebreaker: “What are your favorite sexual positions?”

My partner sighed.

For six months, I’ve written this column about sex and relationships. And very often, I lean on him for thoughts on various topics.

This man is very patient and I’m grateful that he not only lets me write out all our business, but actually supports it.

When times are uncertain, you may get into a rut of the same sexual positions over and over. Missionary is great, but it can get stale if you’re not breaking it up with variety. A view of summer, with greenery and flowers, is amazing. But that same view, with snow-capped trees, can give balance and variety.

Challenge yourself. Forget about your go-to position for a minute and try out something new. Not sure where to start? I’m here for you. (And my partner is, too. But not like that.)

Position: Big Dipper, Little Dipper

How to: It’s just what it sounds like: a sideways spooning session where she’s curled up on the inside, framed by your body on the outside. Without the need to support your own weight, the amount of pressure can be controlled easily — and you can both see stars.

Partner’s rating: “This is probably my #1.”

My rating: “Ditto.”

Position: The Cowgirl… Remixed

How to: There are several tweaks to this well-known woman-on-top position that can take it beyond the sex starter kit. A pillow under you for deeper penetration. Using digits or toys instead of the usual organs, perhaps. Or, with some coordination, you could sit on a chair while she rides on top, showing it’s not your first time at the rodeo.

Partner’s rating: “Yup.”

My rating: “Nope. I always wonder if reverse cowgirl can spell out a recipe for disaster. It just seems like it could lead to some penis twisting or something.”

Position: Cop a Squat

How to: Ditch the chair and let her use your face instead. She sits (or crouches) directly above for a free-range oral sex session. Bear in mind, the direct contact can be intense, so she may want to sit this one out.

Partner’s rating: “Not my fave. I need more control. I know dudes who are fully about that life though. Pass.”

My rating: “The word crouching never sounds sexy to me. Pass.”

Position: The Lazy Lay

How to: This is the laziest position ever. So lazy, in fact, that you’ve probably have never done it. Because you are never a lazy lover, right? Right! Here, she’s flat on her stomach, arms outstretched toward her knees. You literally lay down on top of her back, using your fingers, penis, or vibrator to stimulate her. Whatever you do, don’t fall asleep. It’s so comfortable, it could happen. She won’t like it.

Partner’s rating: “Biggest benefit is better G-spot positioning.”

My rating: “As long as he doesn’t fall asleep…”

Position: One-Quarter Back Shots

How to: Upgrade your doggystyle with a variation on the back shot. For this one, your partner bends over on hands and knees. While penetrating from behind, you hold up one knee laterally (swinging righty or lefty is your choice). Heads up — this requires a bit of fitness to keep it going, but the stimulation is intense.

Partner’s rating: “Don’t sleep on this one.”

My rating: “Ditto.”

Position: The Wallflower

How to: Now we’re getting advanced, so do your Googles for some illustrations. You’re standing with your back against a wall, posted up like a flatscreen, legs slightly parted. Meanwhile, she stands with her back on your front, holding on to your waist for balance and the backward embrace.

Partner’s rating: “Eh. Her against the wall might be better.”

My rating: “I’ll pass. But it sounds intriguing. Reader, go for it.”