Y’all made a cookie that looks like toast. And you called it “Toast-Yay!” — like, with an exclamation point. We know you’re all little girls, and we respect the entrepreneurial spirit, but it’s a cookie that looks like toast. Next.
Shortbread cookies are the shepherd’s pie of the cookie aisle — British people really fuck with it, and that’s about it. Y’all have heard of flavor, right? (Hint: Butter is not a flavor.)
Shouts to our gluten-free fam! We respect the celiac sensitivity.
We regret to inform you that shortbread cookies don’t get that much better when you slap lemon icing on them. True lemon ice only comes from a pushcart, begrudgingly scooped by a person who is thinking uncharitable things about you. (Fuck you too, Angelo.)
9. Caramel Chocolate Chip
The “chewy” category is an ambitious move, but one that’s mostly destined to fail when delivered in a plastic sleeve. Yeah, there are exceptions — shout out to Samoas — but if you want that soft-baked feel, gotta go homemade. Or to Subway.
8. Thin Mints (room temperature)
That sound you heard when we bit into it? Oh, that was a keening wail of disappointment.
A classic trio of flavors. The only thing it’s missing from the “Little Brownie Bakers” version of the cookie — and we’re quoting from the official Girl Scout Cookie page here — is “a scrumptious chocolatey coating (WHOA!)”
6. S’Mores (enrobed)
Oh, here’s that “scrumptious chocolatey coating (WHOA!)” Delicious? Yes. But at a belt-popping sevens grams of saturated fat in two little-ass cookies — and what kind of monster eats only two cookies?! — you might wanna go easy on the “ABC Bakers” version of the campfire favorite.
If you’re gonna make a bare-bones cookie, this is how you do it — with the lemony goodness of those old McDonaldland joints. So what if the word “lemon” appears literally nowhere in the ingredient list? (Yes, we know what citric acid is, people; slow your pedantic roll.)
Peanut butter is a top three cookie flavor. As Ron Burgundy would say, that’s just science. But when it’s a peanut butter sandwich cookie, things get a lot tougher to defend. Still solid, just needs some milk nearby.
Here we go — peanut butter as it should be. Plus crispy, plus chocolate coating. Bring on the fucking diabetes.
When it comes to coconut, we’ve said it before and we’ll say it again: If you know, you know. Granted, by the time you finish a box, you don’t want to see it again for 12 months — but that’s what makes it the perfect Girl Scout Cookie!
1. Thin Mints (cold)
Next time you’re doing a crossword puzzle and you need a 13-letter phrase that means “perfection,” just write “COLD THIN MINTS.” No chance it could be anything else.
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