“Real men are willing to make sacrifices.”
These are the words young Cam Cade’s father exclaims at the start of Justin Tipping’s Him. Cam watches in horror as his family’s favorite football player, Isaiah White (Played exceptionally by Marlon Wayans), wins a game but suffers a possibly career-ending injury in the process. His leg is almost ripped completely off, only hanging on by a few threads of tissue. The exaggerated nature of the injury is contrasted by the father’s unconcerned celebration.
He uses the moment to embed the mantra into his son’s consciousness.
Him was a highly anticipated sports horror movie that fell short for most people. For me, it was weird in some of the right ways, but it left a lot of question marks as it opted for a muddy, esoteric path. Nevertheless, it resonated with me as the film had a lot to say about masculinity.
Two days before watching Him, I felt the need to call a friend. I was feeling a bit frustrated about a situation, and I just needed to vent. Usually, I would write my frustrations down, but I needed more. The next day, my friend called to check on me. I told her I was fine and just a little embarrassed.
“Why are you embarrassed?” she asked.
I stumbled across my words. I didn’t expect the question because I thought the answer was so obvious. “You know, needing to talk to someone in that situation.”
“What?” she replied.
How could she not get it?
Finally, I found the words. “My masculinity.”
Again, I thought this would end the conversation or result in a knowing laugh. Nope. I felt her frustration flare.
“I don’t understand why someone so emotionally intelligent can be so hard on men.”
What? Am I hard on men?
“Especially yourself. Do you think men don’t have emotions? Do you not think men sometimes need to talk?”
Logically, I know the answers to these questions. I’ve written on the emotional needs of men. However, in my day-to-day life, I find myself slipping into old habits. This is especially true when I apply manhood to myself. I appreciate having friends who call me out on this. It also explains why the idea of sacrifice and manhood were at the forefront of my mind when I watched Him.
The set-up
Cam grows up to be a football star, only steps away from joining the professional league. Although his father has passed, he is still a constant motivator for Cam. While practicing alone, Cam is attacked by a strange goat-costumed figure. Despite his concussion and the risk of permanent brain damage, he was encouraged to push through. He is a man, right? He can walk it off.
Cam initially refuses, but when he learns Isaiah White (who had made a full recovery and won 8 championships) is retiring and wants to train him, Cam accepts. He then spends the next 7 days in a desert compound training with Isaiah, the goal being that Cam replace Isaiah. Of course, this is when the horror aspect of the film becomes apparent.
Receiving Violence
“In this game, violence is rewarded. So learn to enjoy it.” -Isaiah White
I was considered soft as a child. I enjoyed sports, an expectation for boys, but I was never competitive. I liked spending just as much time reading in the house or under a tree. I was attracted to quiet. My older cousins felt it was their duty to torture me. I’ll share some examples.
I used to love to swim, but my cousins attempted to drown me, or at least make me believe they were drowning me, on multiple occasions. They would hold me underwater until my lungs gave up. I vomited up water and chlorine more than once. I don’t swim anymore.
They chased me with hairspray and lighters, throwing out flames they couldn’t control. I was sure if they caught me, their curiosity would get the best of them. I was beaten constantly, thrown off trampolines, stomped, and ganged up on by kids all older than me. I still have those scars. When sleep took me, I had to pray they were too distracted to feed me hot sauce or hit me in the testicles.
How did I respond to these actions? Well, I tried to fight back. I wasn’t successful, but that was the only option. You didn’t think I would tell our parents, did you? I’m a man, I couldn’t do that.
Men take the pain, keep their mouths shut, and solve the problem.
If I’m being honest, I thank them for toughening me up.
By middle school, I was impenetrable when I needed thick skin to survive. When I watch so many of my students bend and break now, I can’t help but think my cousins saved me.
Logically, I also know this isn’t a healthy mindset, but it is also one present in Him. Cam experiences increasingly violent challenges on the compound. One that especially struck me involved Cam passing a ball to a receiver within 2 seconds. If he is unsuccessful, a player receives a high-speed football to the face.
Instead of stopping the game or truly questioning Isaiah’s actions, he eventually focuses and completes the task. The man is left bloody and swollen, but he is thankful for the experience. Cam, who was shaken at first, is also thankful. He learned poise under pressure. The violence was necessary for growth.
Sacrifice for Family but Not Love
The last few weeks, I’ve had a couple of married associates tell me how smart I was for staying single. They have both been married for around two decades and are currently unhappy enough to complain.
Both of them financially support their families, allowing their wives to be stay at home moms. This is especially interesting because one guy spends every moment not at work helping his kids grow. They are reading, visiting museums, or playing sports. The wife rarely aids with these activities. He even gives his wife almost an additional grand a month. This does not include the needs of the children or the house.
Despite this, according to him, his responsibility as a man stops him from pushing his wife to get a job. Leaving isn’t even an option. In many ways, due to the way I was raised, I respect this. However, communication is key to any healthy relationship. In his case, even when he does try to communicate, it is met with resistance. He is the man. He is doing his job.
Despite their dedication to family, both of those men have been unfaithful throughout the years. It isn’t consistent as far as I know, but it is a matter of fact. They talk about it as if it is a given. They are men. They are doing their jobs.
Again, Him mirrors the real world. Everyone in the movie reminds Cam that his pain, his sacrifice, is for his family. However, whenever Cam admits he is in a committed relationship, especially when turning down sex, he is looked at as less of a man. He is only a child, a boy. Isaiah, in particular, believes Cam’s faithfulness is something he will lose as he grows.
I find this dichotomy so intriguing because I know so many men with this mindset. They claim to love their families, but they rarely turn down sex when offered if they feel they can get away with it. This isn’t all men, of course, but I’ve seen this happen often.
Is sex part of the reward for their sacrifice?
The Message
Cam rejects the expectations in the film, but he does so by embracing violence. It is a bloody good time as a viewer, but as someone thinking about the themes at large, it left me confused. However, I find clarity when I apply it to my original phone conversation.
My friend said to me, “You reject traditional masculinity in so many ways, but when it comes to other things, you are harder on men than most people.”
Even though Cam rejects the expectations of masculinity, there is no real escape. As Isaiah explains earlier in the movie, he was raised to be this way. He was groomed to be a man. Even in rejection, his only answer was violence.
When I feel emotionally overwhelmed, when I feel the need to reach out for help, my only answer is to shut up and figure it out. When I do slip up, my instinct is to punish myself.
I’ve spent a decade studying masculinity, yet I still fall into old traps. Him isn’t a perfect movie, but I watched it at the perfect time. I’m a bit wiser, and perhaps just a bit more comfortable in my masculinity, no matter how that looks.
This post originally appeared on Medium and is edited and republished with author's permission. Read more of LG Ware's work on Medium.