6 Reasons Santa Claus Ain’t S**t, Ranked
Photo illustration; sources: EuropaNewswire, Roger Harris, Natalya Danko/Getty Images

6 Reasons Santa Claus Ain’t S**t, Ranked

Check this list twice if you need to, it won’t change the truth

6. His treatment of animals deserves two lumps of coal

It’s hard to believe PETA hasn’t subpoenaed the whole Claus operation by now. After 364 days of presumed inactivity, this guy rides the shit out of those reindeer ‘til their sleigh bells fall off — all for the sake of procrastination. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, and nem deserve better, for real.

5. Santa is a union-buster

The reindeer are just the start. You really think that after hundreds of years of busting their asses to be Santa’s “helpers,” no elves have organized for better working conditions? Much respect to Elf on the Shelf for branching out as an independent contractor, but the story as a whole has remained the same: Mr. and Mrs. Claus have kept their oppressive thumbs on the North Pole’s smallest, hardest workers.

4. He’s also a serial burglar

This is where things start to get suspect: St. Nick somehow puts high-tech security systems to shame by breaking and entering into folks’ homes via chimneys, then stealing baked goods on his way out.

3. Don’t get us started on the voyeurism

Always watching, eh? Sounds like surveillance capitalism in action.

2. He hasn’t shared his proprietary flying sled technology

Think about how long this dude has hoarded the knowledge we’ve all envisioned for the future. It’s 2020 — there’s a large group of people who believed that by this time we’d all be heating up the Earth by whizzing around in the sky like the Jetsons instead of drilling into its core. Unless of course…

1. … He’s a fraud

Tooth fairy? Sure. Easter Bunny? Ehh, we guess. But why the hell would you tell your kids that an obese White man is responsible for the presents that you used your hard-earned money to buy? It’s the gift that keeps on appropriating.

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