The Gifts From “12 Days of Christmas,” Ranked
Photo illustration, sources: Tom Merton/Roger Harris/Natalya Danko/Getty Images

The Gifts From “12 Days of Christmas,” Ranked

Timeless song, sure, but how do the offerings from said true love stack up?

12. 12 Drummers Drumming

We love Drumma Boy as much as the next trap rap enthusiast, but a dozen percussionists at the same damn time sounds like an instant migraine.

11. Eight Maids a-Milking

Are these, like, lactating women? And wouldn’t that make them maids a-nursing? Or are they milking cows or something? Either way, we really don’t need that much milk.

7. (4-way tie) Four Calling Birds/Six Geese a-Laying/Two Turtle Doves/Seven Swans a-Swimming

We’re gonna need bae to be a bit more creative. Like, half of the gifts in this song are fowl. These aren’t even delicious birds, just birds — none of which appear in a turducken. Sounds like a lot of poop in the house.

6. 10 Lords a-Leaping

Sounds like five-on-five to us! Let’s just hope it’s not a Knicks game.

5. Three French Hens

Okay, we’re gonna ask this once and hope this is a judgment-free zone. We can fry these, right? Or nah? Because damn, hen would be a nice switch-up this year.

4. A partridge and a pear tree

Apparently this symbolizes Jesus somehow — and we can’t leave Jehovah out of our top three. Our meemaws are reading this; we can’t handle them thinking we’re not rocking with the top dawg for Christmas. So, uh, thanks for the blessings. And once again, shout out to all the pear.

3. Five Golden Rings

Our true love wants us to cosplay as Slick Rick, apparently. Couple of questions: Is this a single five-finger ring? And either way, can we get a Cuban link chain next year?

1. (Tie) Nine Ladies Dancing/11 Pipers Piping

We stan an offering that has a little something for everyone. (Yes, this list was made by a 13-year-old.)

Read more: 6 Reasons Santa Claus Ain’t S**t, Ranked