The 5 Best Sports Cheaters, Ranked
Photo: Jay West/Getty Images

The 5 Best Sports Cheaters, Ranked

Everything else in this country is rigged, why even bother playing by the rules?

5. The Bash Brothers

Considering Jose Canseco and Mark McGwire ran around basically joined at the forearm while juicing their way to home run glory in the early ’90s, it just doesn’t really seem like they need to take up two spots. Name another duo so iconic it prompted a Lonely Island parody. We’ll wait.

4. Bill Belichick, Tom Brady, and Robert Kraft

Fuck the New England Patriots as a staff, a team, and as a motherfuckin’ crew. But damn, they won a lot of Super Bowls.

3. Rosie Ruiz

Salute the woman who hopped on the subway during the NYC Marathon and used the ensuing time to qualify for the Boston Marathon — which she won by literally running into a crowd of spectators and then reappearing on the course less than a mile from the finish line. Boss shit.

2. Lance Armstrong

Your man won seven Tour de France titles. Seven. After recovering from aggressive testicular cancer. And when he finally came clean, his remaining cojón was so healthy he still lied to Oprah’s face! The namesake emoji is strong with this one 💪🏼💪🏼💪🏼.

1. Barry Bonds

Real talk, we agonized about who to put at the top of this one. Salute a Black man for getting over, or once again acknowledge the fact that no one cuts a corner like White people? In the end, we had to go with the dude who pissed off White America like none other. Like Migos RIAA-slapping the Beatles, you can’t deny a man who hit more homers than anyone else — especially Babe Ruth. It’s not like we’ve definitively heard the Bambino was racist or anything, but still. It was the 1920s. Chances are, you know?

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