The 5 Most Convincing Theories Behind Rampant Fireworks, Ranked
Photo: Jean-Philippe Tournut / Getty Images

The 5 Most Convincing Theories Behind Rampant Fireworks, Ranked

Cease fire, for Chrissakes!

5. After months of quarantine, folks are hell-bent on expressing themselves as loudly (and lately) as possible. So they bought a shitload of pyrotechnics in order to do just that. Every. Single. Night.

Maybe Call of Duty just wasn’t cutting it anymore?

4. Robbed of the ability to harass people through usual means, run-of-the-mill assholes are trying to rattle citizens (and dogs) with sounds reminiscent of gunfire (and thunder).

They shootin’! Aw, made you look.

3. Just like COINTELPRO sowed dissent in the Black Panther Party and the U.S. military bombarded Manuel Noriega with earsplitting music 24/7, the powers that be are out to disrupt the Black Lives Matter movement by keeping would-be protesters up at all hours of the night.

Stay woke. It’s not like you have a choice.

2. There’s a massive fireworks surplus due to Independence Day celebrations being canceled because of Covid-19.

This one actually sounds probable. But how are folks copping fireworks in cities where they’re illegal? (*cough* CIA *cough*)

1. It’s a coordinated destabilization countermeasure against a broad-based national grassroots movement to defund or abolish the police.

Who ya gonna call? It ain’t Ghostbusters. We wouldn’t put it past 12 to appropriate “no justice, no peace” for its own continued existence. You truly hate to see it.

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