6. The aggressive spotter
“Need a spot, bruh? Here, lemme just… [somehow squats directly over your face]. Okay. Yeah, man, get it. Get it! Grind it! YOU GOT THIS! THE GRIND DON’T STOP! YES! POWER! FEEL IT! Whoooooooooo! Incredible work, man. When you’re done stretching, just lemme know and I’ll come back to help with the lifts.”
5. The cinematographer
We’ve got no issues waiting for our turn at the deadlift platform. Except, that is, when this guy has to adjust his phone juuuust so, then record each set, then watch and edit each video — all so he can post them on r/formcheck with the caption “Felt good. RPE 6. Bar path okay?”
4. The tourist
We get it. Maybe you haven’t been here in a while. Maybe you just signed up and you don’t really know where anything is, plus the January crowds make the experience even more intimidating. But gotdamn if that means you have to stop every three feet to consider doing something, then keep shuffling on with a look of fake concentration on your face, each time somehow standing directly between a person and the machine or dumbbell they’re trying to get to.
3. The squatter
We don’t call him that because he’s actually doing squats. It’s more that once he gets somewhere, he stays there. We’re talking a minimum of five minutes between sets — not counting the time for playlist adjustments, leering at any woman unfortunate enough to be working out within 40 feet of him, and titrating goat plasma or whatever the fuck into his shaker bottle.
2. The cacophonous cardio coyote
You already know this person from spin class, but you may be dismayed to find that they’ve moved out to colonize the entire damn gym. Grunting on the elliptical. Breathing so hard their mask flutters like a nightgown in a Southern Gothic novel. Making a weird keening sound on the treadmill that’s so loud you wonder if you should call 911. A for effort — and D for decibels.
1. The drip gawd
We only wish this meant dude’s workout gear. Nope. You get towels at the front desk, homie, try ’em sometime!