5 New Year’s Resolutions You’re Likely to Break, Ranked

5. To give up vice X (smoking, drinking, cursing, masturbating, gambling, etc.)

These kinds of resolutions are so hard to break because they target behaviors that give you genuine pleasure and that you started engaging in because they were fun (and maybe before they became so destructive or distracting). Who wants to quit fun, pleasurable pursuits for good? Not you in a month, probably.

4. To get organized

That Marie Kondo decluttering book you copped during a spurt of inspiration won’t help much if you stopped reading in chapter two.

3. To make better decisions

Have you met yourself? You love terrible decisions!

2. To save more money

Conventional wisdom says you should put money away for retirement, or whatever awaits you later in your life. But if you can barely pay your bills now slicing off some funds for a rainy day seems pointless when it feels like it’s raining every day. If you’re like most Americans, you may have a pot to piss in, but not $1,000 saved to put in the piss pot.

1. To exercise

Even before Covid-19 ruined gyms in 2020, signing up for memberships in January and abandoning them by March was a national pastime. Losing weight and getting fit is an admirable goal, but your body doesn’t care what time of year it is; and by the end of January (especially this January), it’s going to want to do more curls of a Cool Ranch Dorito bag than a dumbbell. New year, same you!